... i sometimes think of a lot of things at once and it seems everyone never seems to be in sync with common thoughts... yeah' when friends are around i often nod in agreement to any particular conversation,,, but never really revealing whats on my mind... i often try to self analyze my thoughts and come to a conclusion what i'm thinking... i think i'm like most everyone and just give up or give in to desires atm like hunger, pleasure, sleep or boredom... i think i've kicked this idea around a lot what love feels like,,, but really i guess i reach for fictitious ideas that i can give a name or place a face on to easily accept impossible goals and paint them as dreams... today,,, or rather last night i lay in bed sick with fever and self analyzed my thoughts... at the moment when everyone gives into a bad economy and the prospect of keeping their job or getting that first job i have so many options to choose from for my next job i feel paralyzed in my choices,,, not out of fear of an out come but more in the idea i'm not interested in anything atm... yeah' i'll procrastinate and make a choice soon as i always do,,, but this time i realize for maybe the first time in so long that i look at my life and realize this simple fact,,, i'ts not love that i need as much as being happy with anything in my life... i''m leaning on the idea i will take a lesser of a job' 36K less then i currently make so as i can find time for me,,, maybe not so much time for me but just time to be happy being less... i guess i never meant to reach for anything,,, everything just kinda happened in my life because i let it,,, maybe fate... but really i just lay in my bed and finally can say it,,, something so simple,,, i'm not happy... there is no emotion in this thought just realizing the fact i'm lazy in my current choices because i'm not happy...
