What should I improve on?

[nkaujhmoobyaj]

Hey guys, so I've been married to my husband for 2 years now; but I still don't feel like i'm part of his family. I mean, i don't feel like i fit in his family. I'm kinda tomboyish (i don't do daily make-up, straighten or curl my hair, and dress nice...i usually wear t-shirts and pants and put my hair in a bun)- this is because i've been taught by my parents to tie my hair so it won't get in the food when preparing food for my husband and my in laws and i've also been raised not to dress tight because it shows your body curves and not to wear thick and black makeup because other parents don't like that...so i'm used to just being plain with my tshirt and hair up...All my sister in laws are the opposite...they dress up and put on make up every day like they are going somewhere special...

Everytime we have a family gathering, their conversation is always about being skinny, how to look pretty, shopping, clothes sales, dressing up for a special occasion, how to do make up, what kind of make up they used etc...then they always gather to take pictures- sometimes they don't even ask me...i guess it's because i'm not dressed up and i look uninterested in it? i am not sure...but I know everytime we have a family gathering, i feel really left out (in conversations, in cooking, in going places, etc...)... What's worse is sometimes they will all just leave the house suddenly and i'm just wondering where they all went..then someone would tell me went shopping or somewhere- my heart will tighten and i usually go cry alone in the bathroom....just because i don't dress nice doesn't mean i don't like to go shopping and even though i feel left out evertime we're all together, i want to at least try to go to places and hang out with them...

my husband noticed i get left out too so he tries to comfort my sometimes...he will sit next to me during family gatherings and talk to me so I don't feel as lonely. But sometimes when i complain to him that his sister and sister in laws and i are too different to share a good conversation, he says it's my fault and i should change...but how should i change? when i put on make up my husband gets mad because he said he doesn't want his wife to wear makeup and when i dress girly, he laughs and say he prefers me in my tshirts...he tells me i look prettier without make-up on...so i'm confused..what can i change into? i don't have nice clothes or makeup to talk about and share with his sisters and sister in laws, besides, my type of clothing is different from theirs so they don't ask to borrow my clothes but they always borrow eachothers...i'm a school nerd so i can talk about education (like how to study, give advices on what classes to take depending on what major, what each subject means, etc...) but i feel his family doesn't trust my words...except for my husband's little brother-i can have a 3 hours conversation with him and we would talk about college life, what to expect in college, how to prepare for grad school, etc...it's the girls from my husband's family that i'm disconnected with

i've been calling them family for 2 years now and i want to be able to trust and make a good conversation with them as i do with my sisters and cousins, but i don't know how to. i thought we'll grow to be like a family naturally, but i was too naive to believe it that way. i still feel like a stranger and i still feel new everytime we come together at family parties i need to break this ice!

oh, by the way, my husband and i don't live with my in laws but we spend every weekend with them, so i think it's plenty of time to get to know each other.

 

[Napat01]

Aw..I know how you feel, I am totally different from my friends too. I usually tie my hair in a bun rather than leave it down because for me it's just too uncomfortable and gets in the way. Also I don't like to straighten my hair because I've damaged it enough and it will just become frizzy in an hour. I think you don't need to change just to fit within a group, I know how you feel because I've had that problem with my friends but I thought about it, I maybe different but if I want to fit into a group I shouldn't have to blend in. They should accept me for who I am, there is no need to really change your appearance to match with them, because it's like putting on a mask to conceal who we really are. If you are having trouble maybe talk to a sister-in-law who you know is friendly and start a friendship from there and evolve with the group so they can see that you maybe different but have the same interests such as shopping. Maybe sometimes it wouldn't be bad to dress up and not to apply so much make-up but just mascara and lip gloss. ^_^ Don't try to alter yourself you don't need to change if it's just your appearance unless it's your behavior. If you are shy, like me :blush:, maybe the next time there is a gathering find something you read interesting on yahoo.com or somewhere there is always something interesting on there, I always hear my mom and aunt them talk about these things. Or maybe you already know something about them they like and try to find something interesting about their subject and start a conversation with that. Sorry maybe too much advice but the main point is don't try to improve yourself appearance because then you will feel like you don't fit in even more.

 

[rainie_vang]

humm;; i really don't know what you can do, because you are married after all, it's not like you can just dress up and put on makeup like you're single. It must be hard for you...

I have a sister-in-law too, but we all fit in nicely together. We talk and joke to her all the time. My sister-in-law and my brother are married for a year, but since she first joined the family, we've always talked to her. I really think it's your in-laws that's the problem, because you're new, they should make you feel comfortable.

 

[YM_gurl]

If you are the kind of girl, that doesn't like to dress up or put make-up on.
That is your decision. People will have to accept you for who you are.

I have one question though, do you like to dress up and put make up on before you got married?
Is your husband stopping you now, from doing it. Don't let him stop you. Stop because you want to,
not because your husband said so.

so here's two advice from me.

1. Change. (Dress up, put make up on and try to fit in.)

2. Be yourself. (If your husband's sister's don't invite you to go shopping or do anything w/them, who cares. hehe
go with your own crew. lol What about your sisters? your cousins? hehe Form your own crew. )

On the other hand, you can also start a conversation with your husband's sisters too, it doesn't have to be about make-up
and clothes. hehee

I have a sister n law too and she is some-what like you. *I apologized* But she doesn't like to dress up and put make up on. So when my sister's and I go shopping, we hesitate on asking her. this is what goes through our mind, maybe this is what's going through your husband's sister's mind too.

-> We're not sure, if she wants to go or not. Because we will take hours.
What if, she don't want to shop til we are done?
What if she wants to come home early?
what if she is bored?
what if we go too long, we will get in trouble by our brother.

 

[nkaujhmooblauj]

i don't think there's anything wrong with you and don't advise you to change at all.
people have to accept you for who you are. they can't expect you to be like them.

 

[madalia3]

well i think u dont really need to change...well i suggest the changing in clothes style,,like u can wear tight close but dont wear super tight close just wear clothes that'll fit u where u can still feel comfortable in..and wells if ur husband dont like u wearing make-up then dont wear make-up cause i'm sure ur beautiful as well...and like on family gatherings or special occasions u can wear make-up..not a lot...but just a little bit to make urself pretty, but still looking like a natural beauty...like maybe a little bit of mascara..and a little TINY little bit of eyeliner..welsl u dont actually need eyeliner, but if u want u know, and then wear a little bit a a more natural eye shadow,,that sorta matches ur skin tone..and a little bit of lipstick..and u will look fine and maybe fit in more..and maybe even get asked to join in the pictures..

 

[Vamkim]

I feel sad reading what you worte. Always be yourself and thats the best part in life, its better to be yourself then try to be someone who your not. They will just have to accept you for who you are. Back in High school, I was different from my friends...Just because I dont go to church and they all do...They dont invite me to do anything with them. Even though I was right there with them, they would ask everybody and left me out...It makes me feel left out, and I was really left out..So I know how you feel. But hey, just be yourself you know. I am sure every sarnies here can help and cares.

 

[miss_kayomee]

you don't need to change, if being dressed up and looking all party like is not your thing then don't do it! i for one am just like you, but i sometimes like dressing up once in a while. it just makes me feel pretty sometimes so i do it. you must be a really shy person also? if you are then that's why.

with the sister-n-law thing, maybe you just need to start the conversation with them if they don't start it with you. maybe they think that you guys don't have anything in common so they don't know what to say to you. i'm sure what your thinking is the exact same thing that they are thinking. also, if they don't invite you then you should invite them. even if it's just to go to the corner store or to do errands. as long as you initiate it then they will invite you later on also. my sis-n-law and i we never had anything in common, so when my brother was only dating her we never talked to each other because we were so different, she loved to party and i loved to stay at home. but once she married my brother, she totally changed. she initiated conversations with me and from then on we are really good friends. i also found out that we had so much more in common then i thought we did. so start conversations with them, you need to break out of that shell of yours. it's going to be hard finding something to talk about, but you can always ask how their day went or how their jobs went.

also, from what your husband said? what he said is true, you need to change your behavior around them. not change who you are as a person. it's really sweet that he loves you just the way you are and he doesn't want you to change, some people want to change their wives right away. so from what he said is to change your way of being shy, go and talk to them. when i started dating my bf me and his sister didn't talk me because i was too shy. so when i found something that she liked i always talked about it. even if i asked them all the time how their day went, she still answer me and then from then on the conversations goes.

i hope this helped, i know it's long but i just want to get my point across and i just want to help you get a long with your sister-n-law. it's sad and hard that you aren't getting a long with your husband's family.