Confessions of a single and stupid twenty-five year old woman My name is Starla Cha and I live in Fresno. My mom and I work picking tomatoes at the Lee family’s tomato field beside their house. The Lee family consists of a young husband and his wife living in a big house. My mom and I were the only ones helping out. We go there and help them pick tomatoes every day. Mr. Lee had a younger brother named Chen, who lived with their parents a few blocks down the street from them, who also comes by every night to put the tomatoes away. I had been crushing on him since the first day I saw him. I’m the type of person who falls easily for people although I put up a tough front and pretend that I don’t want to date. Everything started about three months ago, when Mr. and Mrs. Lee told us that they had to go to Wisconsin to attend their uncle’ funeral. They left a few days later and were going to be gone for a whole month. On the fourth day, as my mom and I were picking tomatoes, Chen appeared out of nowhere and started picking tomatoes and putting them in my bucket. He began to talk to me in the sweetest voice ever, asking me if I had a boyfriend. Every day he came to purposely talk to me help me pick tomatoes and I stupidly began to like him even more. By week two, he had asked me to be his girlfriend. I didn’t know what to do because he was going to be my first boyfriend ever. Because I like him too much, I agreed. My mom knew nothing about our relationship because she always picked tomatoes on a different row from me. Sometimes Chen would come and take me away from my work to go on walks and my mom never saw us. I was so in love with him and I thought he felt the same way. He was the first guy that I wanted to introduce to my friends and family. I had only one best friend named Julie. I talk to Julie about Chen all the time, telling her of how nice he treats me. Julie also had a boyfriend and she asked if we could go on a double date and introduce each other’s boyfriend to one another. I agreed. On the day of the date, Chen and I were sitting at the table at the restaurant when I spotted Julie come in through the door. I told Chen to wait there so I could go get Julie. When Julie and I got to the table, Chen was gone. Julie and I waited for a while for Chen when he called me on the phone and told me that he had to leave due to an emergency. I didn’t think anything too much of it and shrugged it off since Julie’s boyfriend couldn’t make it either. After that, we didn’t get the chance to meet each other’s boyfriends. Finally it came to the last few days of the month and Mr. and Mrs. Lee were going to come back. That day, Chen pulled me away and took me into his brother’s house. I didn’t think anything of it since it wasn’t the first time that I had gone in. Today was different though as Chen was being a bit too touchy with me. He had a bedroom in the house since sometimes he come late and stays overnight. He sat me down onto his bed and began kissing me. I could sense what he wanted and I tried to stop him. I was afraid of the consequences, but he sweet talked me saying that he loved me and would take responsibility if anything happened. Being stupid me, I trusted him and gave in. He didn’t even care if my mom was just outside in the field and could hear us. It was my first time ever and it hurt as heck, but I bit my lips to keep quiet just so that my mom wouldn’t hear us. I am the worst daughter ever. How could I even have sex with a guy with my mom so close by? Yet I liked the way it felt and couldn’t get enough of it. I even began to not care if anyone could hear me or not and as a moan escaped my mouth, it ended. This was the reality, that it wasn’t as beautiful as in a drama like how I always imagined and it never will be. Of course there was pleasure, but it was full of guilt and regret too. After sleeping with him, it just didn’t feel right, but pretending to smile, I went to the restroom to wash my self before putting on my pants and going back out to work. Chen came out after me and we pretended like nothing happened so my mom wouldn’t know. We weren’t even sure if she had heard us or not. I felt like shit and wanted to cry, but Chen was there and he was still flirting with me as usual. I thought to myself asking why I had done that and I realized that we didn’t even use protection. I told him and he told me that he’d take responsibility if I get pregnant and for me not to worry. My mom and I went home and that night I worried all night long. I had so many questions. Was I too easy? What if he was lying and left me after sleeping with me. What if I get pregnant, how would I tell my parents? I couldn’t sleep the whole night. The next day, my mom and I went to work again and Mr. and Mrs. Lee had come back home. As soon as we arrived and got ourselves ready, Mr. Lee walked by, giving us a dark glare like he hated us. We wondered why because he always smiles at us. Mrs. Lee kept her distance from us too which was weird as well. We just continued picking tomatoes without question. I finally heard Chen’s car coming and I felt a little better that he didn’t leave me. When he got there, Mr. Lee called Chen into the house. Just at that time, I really needed to use the restroom too. The restroom that my mom and I used was in their garage. I went to use it and I could hear Mr. Lee yelling at Chen. He asked Chen why my mom and I were still there when they called him to kick us out. It turned out that when Mr. and Mrs. Lee got to Green Bay, they found out that the person who killed their uncle, Jay, was actually my uncle, Kee. It was due to a fight over Kee’s ex-wife Yee. Yee’s mom didn’t like my uncle so she tricked Yee into thinking that Kee was a bad person. Yee’s mom told her that there are better men out there if she divorce my uncle and come back. Yee believed her mom and broke up with my uncle, taking their daughter with her. Kee found out that Yee was dating Jay and Kee got angry. Kee took a gun over to the new year tournament in Green Bay and Shot Jay. I knew about Kee shooting a guy, but I didn’t expect it to be Chen’s uncle. What I heard next broke my heart. Chen told Mr. Lee that Jay was Chen’s favorite uncle and the one he is closest to so he wanted to take revenge. Mr. Lee didn’t understand until Chen told him that he was going to use me and throw me away which he already succeeded in. Tears began to come out of my eyes when I realized the truth. Mr. Lee shook his head at Chen and asked Chen what he would do if I brought a gun to shoot him too. I hate my religion, culture, and race all because of this. Once one person from your family line does something wrong, the whole family gets blamed. Feeling so stupid and dumb, I came back to my mom and asked her to come home. Knowing the truth now, I refused to go work when my mom tried to take me. About three weeks passed when I began to have symptoms and found out that I really am pregnant. I was terrified of telling my parents, but either way they were going to find out anyway so I decided to let them know. My dad was so mad that he whipped me with a belt and kicked me out of the house. I could only sit there and cry as our neighbors stared at me, curiously. It was worse because we lived in a Hmong Village Apartment and all our neighbors were related to us. After a whole day sitting out in the sun, I was weak when my mom opened the door for me to come in. I could only cry as I apologized to her. I was the most useless daughter ever, but in this moment, she didn’t leave my side. My mom asked me who the father was and I told her about Chen and everything I had overheard. My mom was angry at Chen and promised me that she will all our relatives to come and see what we should do. The next day, our relatives gathered at our house and gave me a beating with words saying that I was being a slut. The only thing they could do was to contact Chen’s relatives and ask for him to marry me or to wash away the shame with money. Chen’s relatives refused to let me marry him because of what uncle Kee did. Also Chen already had a girlfriend. I couldn’t believe my ears when heard this because he had told me that he doesn’t have a girlfriend. The saddest thing was that his girlfriend turned out to be my best friend Julie. So that day at the restaurant, he had seen Julie and was afraid that I would find out the truth so he left. Chen’s relatives came up with about three thousand dollars to “wash away the shame” for my family only. With a broken heart, I knew that it was impossible to marry him now and I gave up. I decided to give birth and take care of my child alone. Chen wanted to keep this a secret from Julie, but she found out a month after. Julie broke up with Chen and told him to come marry me because that’s the right thing to do. Chen refused to and just let her go. Now two weeks ago, I went shopping for grocery’s when I bumped into Chen. Seeing my three month pregnant tummy, he kept following me around. I pushed him away and he tried to apologize to me. He asked me for forgiveness, but I didn’t want to be stupid and give in to him once more. Now he is still chasing me around asking for another chance, saying that he regretted what he did. He tells me that he only realized how much he loved me when Julie broke up with him and I was the one he missed instead of Julie. I can’t trust his lies anymore. What should I do? Should I give in to him keep pushing him away?