What Should I Do

Discussion in 'Love & Relationship' started by Starla, Jul 27, 2018.

  1. Starla

    Starla sarNie Egg

    Confessions of a single and stupid twenty-five year old woman


    My name is Starla Cha and I live in Fresno. My mom and I work picking tomatoes at the Lee family’s tomato field beside their house. The Lee family consists of a young husband and his wife living in a big house. My mom and I were the only ones helping out. We go there and help them pick tomatoes every day. Mr. Lee had a younger brother named Chen, who lived with their parents a few blocks down the street from them, who also comes by every night to put the tomatoes away. I had been crushing on him since the first day I saw him. I’m the type of person who falls easily for people although I put up a tough front and pretend that I don’t want to date.

    Everything started about three months ago, when Mr. and Mrs. Lee told us that they had to go to Wisconsin to attend their uncle’ funeral. They left a few days later and were going to be gone for a whole month. On the fourth day, as my mom and I were picking tomatoes, Chen appeared out of nowhere and started picking tomatoes and putting them in my bucket. He began to talk to me in the sweetest voice ever, asking me if I had a boyfriend. Every day he came to purposely talk to me help me pick tomatoes and I stupidly began to like him even more.

    By week two, he had asked me to be his girlfriend. I didn’t know what to do because he was going to be my first boyfriend ever. Because I like him too much, I agreed. My mom knew nothing about our relationship because she always picked tomatoes on a different row from me. Sometimes Chen would come and take me away from my work to go on walks and my mom never saw us. I was so in love with him and I thought he felt the same way. He was the first guy that I wanted to introduce to my friends and family.

    I had only one best friend named Julie. I talk to Julie about Chen all the time, telling her of how nice he treats me. Julie also had a boyfriend and she asked if we could go on a double date and introduce each other’s boyfriend to one another. I agreed. On the day of the date, Chen and I were sitting at the table at the restaurant when I spotted Julie come in through the door. I told Chen to wait there so I could go get Julie. When Julie and I got to the table, Chen was gone. Julie and I waited for a while for Chen when he called me on the phone and told me that he had to leave due to an emergency. I didn’t think anything too much of it and shrugged it off since Julie’s boyfriend couldn’t make it either. After that, we didn’t get the chance to meet each other’s boyfriends.

    Finally it came to the last few days of the month and Mr. and Mrs. Lee were going to come back. That day, Chen pulled me away and took me into his brother’s house. I didn’t think anything of it since it wasn’t the first time that I had gone in. Today was different though as Chen was being a bit too touchy with me. He had a bedroom in the house since sometimes he come late and stays overnight. He sat me down onto his bed and began kissing me. I could sense what he wanted and I tried to stop him. I was afraid of the consequences, but he sweet talked me saying that he loved me and would take responsibility if anything happened.

    Being stupid me, I trusted him and gave in. He didn’t even care if my mom was just outside in the field and could hear us. It was my first time ever and it hurt as heck, but I bit my lips to keep quiet just so that my mom wouldn’t hear us. I am the worst daughter ever. How could I even have sex with a guy with my mom so close by? Yet I liked the way it felt and couldn’t get enough of it. I even began to not care if anyone could hear me or not and as a moan escaped my mouth, it ended. This was the reality, that it wasn’t as beautiful as in a drama like how I always imagined and it never will be. Of course there was pleasure, but it was full of guilt and regret too. After sleeping with him, it just didn’t feel right, but pretending to smile, I went to the restroom to wash my self before putting on my pants and going back out to work.

    Chen came out after me and we pretended like nothing happened so my mom wouldn’t know. We weren’t even sure if she had heard us or not. I felt like shit and wanted to cry, but Chen was there and he was still flirting with me as usual. I thought to myself asking why I had done that and I realized that we didn’t even use protection. I told him and he told me that he’d take responsibility if I get pregnant and for me not to worry. My mom and I went home and that night I worried all night long. I had so many questions. Was I too easy? What if he was lying and left me after sleeping with me. What if I get pregnant, how would I tell my parents? I couldn’t sleep the whole night.

    The next day, my mom and I went to work again and Mr. and Mrs. Lee had come back home. As soon as we arrived and got ourselves ready, Mr. Lee walked by, giving us a dark glare like he hated us. We wondered why because he always smiles at us. Mrs. Lee kept her distance from us too which was weird as well. We just continued picking tomatoes without question. I finally heard Chen’s car coming and I felt a little better that he didn’t leave me. When he got there, Mr. Lee called Chen into the house. Just at that time, I really needed to use the restroom too. The restroom that my mom and I used was in their garage. I went to use it and I could hear Mr. Lee yelling at Chen. He asked Chen why my mom and I were still there when they called him to kick us out.

    It turned out that when Mr. and Mrs. Lee got to Green Bay, they found out that the person who killed their uncle, Jay, was actually my uncle, Kee. It was due to a fight over Kee’s ex-wife Yee. Yee’s mom didn’t like my uncle so she tricked Yee into thinking that Kee was a bad person. Yee’s mom told her that there are better men out there if she divorce my uncle and come back. Yee believed her mom and broke up with my uncle, taking their daughter with her. Kee found out that Yee was dating Jay and Kee got angry. Kee took a gun over to the new year tournament in Green Bay and Shot Jay. I knew about Kee shooting a guy, but I didn’t expect it to be Chen’s uncle.

    What I heard next broke my heart. Chen told Mr. Lee that Jay was Chen’s favorite uncle and the one he is closest to so he wanted to take revenge. Mr. Lee didn’t understand until Chen told him that he was going to use me and throw me away which he already succeeded in. Tears began to come out of my eyes when I realized the truth. Mr. Lee shook his head at Chen and asked Chen what he would do if I brought a gun to shoot him too. I hate my religion, culture, and race all because of this. Once one person from your family line does something wrong, the whole family gets blamed. Feeling so stupid and dumb, I came back to my mom and asked her to come home. Knowing the truth now, I refused to go work when my mom tried to take me.

    About three weeks passed when I began to have symptoms and found out that I really am pregnant. I was terrified of telling my parents, but either way they were going to find out anyway so I decided to let them know. My dad was so mad that he whipped me with a belt and kicked me out of the house. I could only sit there and cry as our neighbors stared at me, curiously. It was worse because we lived in a Hmong Village Apartment and all our neighbors were related to us. After a whole day sitting out in the sun, I was weak when my mom opened the door for me to come in. I could only cry as I apologized to her. I was the most useless daughter ever, but in this moment, she didn’t leave my side.

    My mom asked me who the father was and I told her about Chen and everything I had overheard. My mom was angry at Chen and promised me that she will all our relatives to come and see what we should do. The next day, our relatives gathered at our house and gave me a beating with words saying that I was being a slut. The only thing they could do was to contact Chen’s relatives and ask for him to marry me or to wash away the shame with money. Chen’s relatives refused to let me marry him because of what uncle Kee did.

    Also Chen already had a girlfriend. I couldn’t believe my ears when heard this because he had told me that he doesn’t have a girlfriend. The saddest thing was that his girlfriend turned out to be my best friend Julie. So that day at the restaurant, he had seen Julie and was afraid that I would find out the truth so he left. Chen’s relatives came up with about three thousand dollars to “wash away the shame” for my family only. With a broken heart, I knew that it was impossible to marry him now and I gave up. I decided to give birth and take care of my child alone. Chen wanted to keep this a secret from Julie, but she found out a month after. Julie broke up with Chen and told him to come marry me because that’s the right thing to do. Chen refused to and just let her go.

    Now two weeks ago, I went shopping for grocery’s when I bumped into Chen. Seeing my three month pregnant tummy, he kept following me around. I pushed him away and he tried to apologize to me. He asked me for forgiveness, but I didn’t want to be stupid and give in to him once more. Now he is still chasing me around asking for another chance, saying that he regretted what he did. He tells me that he only realized how much he loved me when Julie broke up with him and I was the one he missed instead of Julie. I can’t trust his lies anymore. What should I do? Should I give in to him keep pushing him away?
     
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  2. maimyang

    maimyang Cuckoo for Charlie. ♡☻

    Oh man, your story made me teary eyed!

    I’d feel so betrayed when I heard him telling his dad he had used me and will throw me away..

    But he is the father of your child. Did he not know you and Julie were best friends? For me, I’d give him another chance for him to prove himself wrong. If he does something shitty again, then I’d call it over. If he Fs up again, no matter if he is the dad to my child, I don’t think I’d be able to trust him again. If he really loved me as he says and misses me, he wouldn’t f up again. Trust your instincts too! If you feel like he’s lying and only would be using you, or is unsure of how he feels about you, I’d let him go. Life is too short to deal with mean people or with people who will waste your time. No matter what, make him take care of the child too! He better give you money periodically. Men who only know how to be mean and not take responsibility of their actions make me sick. Be a man and take responsibility! So yeah, for me, I’d give him another chance and if he messes up again, i.e. cheats, it’d be over for sure! Also, be careful because lately I’m learning, “How you get him is also how you lose him.” If he used you in the first place, he might try and use you again! Trust your gut, look at his actions and look at PATTERNS.
     
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  3. maimyang

    maimyang Cuckoo for Charlie. ♡☻

    All the best and keep us posted and thx for being vulnerable and sharing your story!
     
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2018
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  4. Starla

    Starla sarNie Egg

    Thanks for your advice. At first I wasn't quite sure if I should share my story, but I needed help from others that is not my family because my family all says that I should just leave him when he already paid my parents. I guess I'll hold out a little bit longer to test him before giving him a chance.

    About Julie and me being friends, he didn't know. Even Julie and I didn't know that we had the same boyfriend. My friend's all say that they don't want to tell me who they like because I always end up liking them too, but it's more me having a crush on them. So Julie doesn't even show me her boyfriend until I told her about mine. Chen only found out about Julie and I being friends when he saw her with me at the restaurant.
     
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  5. Falada

    Falada sarNie Adult

    Thanks for sharing your story. It was probably hard on you.

    Like how maimyang said, give him another chance, if he looks sincere. Forgive him (if you can). Also by doing this, you don't have to trust him fully again or the same. He needs to build that trust up. You don't have to treat him the same, like nothing happened. It's your right. You're just letting negative feelings go, and letting your soul be at peace. It's for your own good, remember to do it for you. Even though things turned out bad, try to make the best out of this bad situation. I wish you the best luck. :)

    I don't know you, but I'm also a Hmong woman. I understand and dislike the traditions that bind/shame the women.
     
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  6. sarN

    sarN sarNie Granny

    omg ..damn your story make me tear up for real tho . ppl in love do foolish thing , i wouldn't say you a bad daughter , shi** happen !! he wrong for two timing and a cheater ! i wouldn't give him a chance so early tho , nope , nope , i would file for child support when the baby come b/c you will need it as a single mom but i don't know how your friend going take it , if she know you pregnant with her boyfriend ..omg..the drama , the heartbreak . I would never never give a guy that cheat on me another chance , i wouldn't even look at him beside the child support check ^^^^ and don't think just b/c you are a single mom it over for u , nope , i have friend that have 5 kids and still dating . if you want to get back with him b/c of the baby , its up to you and i won't even judge u for it b/c its your life and your happiness . man , im actually mad that this dude knock u up and down right play you for a fool , so heartless as if you don't bleed if get cut. i'm piss.
     
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  7. tweedaly

    tweedaly sarNie Juvenile

    You poor thing. You are such a strong person. It takes time to heal wounds. Honestly, if someone broke my trust and wants to come back into my life again I would be wary of that person. But that person could have changed and really wants to make up for the bad things they did. There's always two sides to a story. We could never truly know what a person is thinking about. If I was in your situation I would be caution but at the same time I would really want to know if he is being sincere. I'd say for you to slowly let him in, he still has to work for it. If he is truly being honest with you then things will work out. If he really wants you back in his life then he better do his best to make up for all the things he did. Good luck, and I hope things go well!
     
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  8. Koy123

    Koy123 sarNie Oldmaid

    @Starla wow, what a story... sounds like a revenge lakorn. Anyways, how much do you love this guys? Do you see a future with him? Don’t get back with him because of your baby, you should do it for yourself. From the sound of it, this guys is a dirt bag(Sorry, for my language). Don’t get back with the guy just because he’s your baby’s daddy or he’s your first. He has to give you respect, love, attention, and be able take care of you and your child. We all want that attention, love, experience and intimacy. You’re not wrong to have slept with him. This is also a lesson in life that we can’t jump into love that fast. Love takes time. Best of luck to you.
     
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  9. sarN

    sarN sarNie Granny

    i forgot to comment about the $3000 , RAT a$$ , that amount isn't enough for diaper & baby 's need . File for child support, make him pay for next 18 years sound like a perfect revenge to me . $3000?? my tax refund is more than that and i don't even have a child to claim , smh . i don't understand love . i really don't . * sigh * keep update on ur baby tho , i love babies !! bless them little ones.
     
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  10. Koy123

    Koy123 sarNie Oldmaid

    $3000? You can make that in a month! Don’t even give them the time if they try to buy you like that. I agree with @sarN file child support on his ass!!!
     
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  11. sarN

    sarN sarNie Granny

    and don't let him claim the baby on his tax refund , us asian love tax season just to drop it off at the casino !! its possible that his motive tho ? if you take him back , no child support file & he could claim the both of you on this tax . nope , nope, don't go back to him , i smell a snake , you are being take advantage of . ppl don't change over night , you have to be strong & smart. don't let no man have the upper hand . take it to court!
     
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  12. maimyang

    maimyang Cuckoo for Charlie. ♡☻

    Man oh man, I’m Hmong too and I got a feeling if @Starla brings this to court, there’d be war for sure.
     
  13. sarN

    sarN sarNie Granny

    any update ??? what happen ? did you give him another chance ? :icon12:
     
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  14. Starla

    Starla sarNie Egg

    I decided to wait longer to see if I could trust him. About my baby, I haven't decided a name yet. I still don't know it will be a boy or girl because I want to find out at birth. Still have four months left! :) Any name suggestions?
     
  15. Bieluvr

    Bieluvr Biemarkluvr

    If I were you, I wouldn't give him another chance. If he really loved you he wouldn't have used you in the first place. But if you decide to give him a chance then be really sure that he doesn't have other intentions.

    I'm so happy for you that you decided to keep the baby. I would love to help you name him or her. If It's a boy name him Hwj Chim (meaning Power or Strength). If it's a girl name her Tshiab Nag (meaning New Rain or Fresh Rain). If you're looking for American names then maybe Boy: Easton meaning Magical Power. Girl: Rainie/Rain
     
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  16. maimyang

    maimyang Cuckoo for Charlie. ♡☻

    aww hope everything goes well! here are some name suggestions!
    Girl;
    Zoo Hlub, I believe meaning “Lovable”, is an adorable name.
    Someone I know just named her girl Charisma, meaning “Charm”

    Boy;
    Eden meaning “Paradise” or “Delight”
     
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  17. SuzieJ

    SuzieJ sarNie Adult

    i really love the name Rosie for some reason. i think its such a sweet name! I hope everything is going well in your life right now! Please be cautious about this guy. Make sure to keep a very strong and confident stand in front of him.
     
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  18. S.J.M

    S.J.M Warrior

    Good luck, wish you a lot happiness and be careful all right & don’t let him ever hurt you again.
    I can’t seem to have any good suggestions for names but My only advice is be careful during your pregnancy & it’s important to take care of your health & don’t miss doctor appointment also be prepare to become mother, it’s a long road ahead but everything will be better.
     
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  19. tweedaly

    tweedaly sarNie Juvenile

    Girl names: Avery, Thea, or Lily
    Boy names: James, Aiden, or Elliot
     
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  20. Starla

    Starla sarNie Egg

    Wow, I love all the names you have suggested so far. Especially Rainie and Lily and Aiden/Eden and Easton. I don't know why, but ever since I knew that I had a baby, I have the feeling that I really love rain. Rain makes me feel delightful, cool and peaceful. So to know the meaning for Eden means delight, I love it. The same goes for Rainie. And I've always loved Calla Lilies so I really like the name Lily. Knowing that Easton means Magical Power makes me feel happy. My baby is a strong baby and having him is like a miracle at least for me it does. I'm surprised you guys can come up with such beautiful names, so thank you very much. And also thank you for all of your great advice.
     
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