Some Basic Information

Thao-Byrd

sarNie Egg
My fiance and I have been together three years, and were just recently engaged and our own little family will start in about four months (I'm five months pregnant). He is Hmong and I am Caucasian, but I know little to nothing about the way things are in Hmong society/culture. I know where they originated and where my fiances family originally came from, I know how to write a small amount of Hmong and can identify certain words, I can actually say only about... four things (I love you, Hello, My Stomach Hurts and Mine)and I know just a small bit about his religion- Shamanism. Most of the stuff I know, with the except of the religion, I was being taught by my Hmong friend, but we had to stop my education once my fiance and I got engaged... because my Hmong friend is male, and I was informed by my Hmong friend that it is no longer proper for me to communicate with him. My fiance also insists I stop talking to my male friends as well, which from what they've both said, is traditional. My knowledge of Shamanism is limited to what I can research on the internet, and that my fiances mother is an actual Shaman and that I must wear a bracelet she made around my wrist to protect me from monsters and such (personal reasons).

I know that most of you would say, "Well ask your fiance," or "His family will teach you," but the fact is... they don't approve of me or our relationship, because I am not Hmong, so they generally refuse to even look at me, despite my Fiances attempts to get them to meet me. My fiance, as well, doesn't want to teach me about his culture and would rather just apply the aspects he thinks are okay and that he's not against to me (some traditions he's chill with, others he's not, which doesn't make sense to me), despite my attempts at getting him to tell me more.

So I was wondering if anyone on here could tell me a bit about the Hmong, other than what I already know... as many of you probably know, there's not a lot of information on the internet, either... You all don't have to help me, if it goes against your personal beliefs, but I'd appreciate it.
 

Mistspyed

sarNie Egg
Hello there, I'm glad you came here and that you want to learn more about the hmong culture:). I totally understand where you are coming from and know what you're going through (I know it's tough). The Hmong community is very exclusive, they don't trust other culture easily and is not very accepting in general. Probably, because they haven't been exposed to other races for a long time. You will have a tough battle but you need to stick it out. The more traditional a Hmong family is the harder it is to please them. Here's some basic information about a Traditional Hmong Family: Never talk back to your fiancé parents. You have to agree with them most of the time. Do what they say without no questions. From my own family experience, they are very unwilling to teach, they said that you should learn by watching. Cooking is a big part of being married in a Hmong family. If you plan to move in with him and his family you will gain some brownie points by cooking for his family meals. Hmong family expects their daughter in law to cook for them at least once a day. Most Asian families and Hmong families are not very direct (you sorta have to guess, which is hard). There's not much communication (especially when it comes to communicating about feelings or problems). I hope this helps you:). If you have any specific question feel free to ask, I will be more than happy to help you.
 

rainie_vang

sarNie Juvenile
AWWW; congrats!!!

It's not only towards you but Hmong parents, especially the ones that act traditionally are really PICKY towards picking daughter-in-laws! For example, the white don't want to marry a green, vice-versa. They fear that the daughter-in-law will not help them or love them & will take their son & run or something.

For the first 3days or week, you just have to stand aside and watch how they do things in the house.
For example, who cooks and what time (if they have a set schedule) Offer to help and like Mistspyed said, you will mostly learn through observations. Some mother-in-law will actually teach you, because my mom always teaches my sister-in-law, but since like you said they are already biased against you, it's better to just observe. My sister just got married recently and her father-in-law is old and picky & grumpy. He does not like to buy a lot of food and store it in the fridge. He likes to buy enough to cook for a meal only because this is how it was like in Thailand, where they have no refrigerators.

I don't think they have any bias towards you personally.They are just astonished by the divorce rates of other races. In the Hmong community we fear nothing more than getting a divorce! (They - especially the old LADIES - will gossip about you nonstop!) My mother always tells us not to get married with other race because in a few years we will get divorce or they will run off or have an affair or something.

During weekends where they are holding traditional shaman thingy, basically you will just have to work your ass off!!! YEs! I absolutely hate THOSE WEEKENDS!! We have to wake up super early to kill the animal (usually the guys' job) and stay super late to clean up after everybody left!!! Lots of work in the Hmong community because it's all about reputation&presentation. Since it is a small community, you want to present yourself the best to others and especially the relatives because any flaw or mistake, and you will be popular (in a bad way) everywhere.

Another advice is to attend relatives' ceremonies because that will set a better image for you that you are always involved and always helping out. Even if you have no clue what to do over there, just ask around what they need help on. Even something as simple as washing the vegetables will help. GOODLUCK... :thumbup:
 

Thao-Byrd

sarNie Egg
I believe they're mostly not for me because two of my fiances sisters were with white men, and that did not turn out too well, and trust me... I am not angry at them for being worried. I would be worried too!

I'm a very hands-on person and I like to help out, and I know I'm biting the bullet, so observing them and picking up certain things doesn't sound too hard. I am a people watcher in the first place, so I suppose it wouldn't hurt too bad to go stay the night with them like they've asked recently (fiance says 'no', however lol).

That's a step in the right direction, possibly? They've asked for us to come stay the night with them, have had talks with my parents, and are showing a little bit of... tolerance? Towards me. All very recent mind you, pretty much since yesterday haha.

Thanks for the advice, I will use it!

Quick question-
My fiance's friend brought up Hmong names for our son... am I correct in assuming that my fiance's father will be choosing that, assuming they want to do that.
 

p. Zoua

sarNie Oldmaid
Congrats.

Well, most of the advice has been said already so not much to say but yes,
to be a good house wife, cook and clean. When eating always invite them, even if they
say no. Umm, what else, oh yes, be open and talk to the family, or else they will call you shady.
Don't always go stay in the bed, at least stay out in the living room with the family once in awhile or something. These are advices but you don't have to follow them all the time.

Depending on how traditional your fiance's family is, I would say your Fiance's parents are going to choose the baby's Hmong name, however I think you can choose your baby to have a English name too. Most of the younger generations now days have two names, One English/American name and one Hmong name, but they mostly go by the American name. FOr example Angelina Paj tshiab Xiong. For this child, people will just call her by Angelina but maybe for the older people who can't pronounce the English name much will just call the child by the hmong name Paj Tshiab.

Sorry for the blab but hope that clarifies it.
 

lakorns

sarNie Hatchling
In the long run they will accept you. It is not that you are Caucasian, it is because of fear. We don't welcome outsider because outsider has done the same; at least what most of them have gone through and have seen. They are just being caution and protecting our traditions and cultures. My parents are traditional but they are lenient in certain things. Not all Shaman are the same so that you will just have to observe. They will expect you to multitasking your life. We... well at least for me, were trained and well sorta forced and expected to do good in school, get a job and still be able to complete a traditional housewife and have a social life outside of family. I don't know how I manage to do all these things within 24 hours. My grandpa is a Shaman, I work, I go out with friends, I still go to school, and I still do my dutities as a traditional filial daughter, clean, cook, take care of my younger siblings, and handle adult issues. Being a Hmong daughter in law is a 24 hour job. Not many people even for Hmong girls to handle the pressure. You are not the only one. But one thing great about it is that you will receive a lot of help and love in return. If you are in fianace trouble, you could count on family. Some relatives can be greedy but there are some that will be willing to help even if they don't have much. Your parent in law may be mean and harsh if they ever do lecture you but they are SOFTY at heart. They do it to their own kids too.
 
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