Need to vent...men...urgh!

Liberty

sarNie Adult
To sum up the beginning I'm moving to OK in a couple of weeks. I use to live alone in Houston and saw my boyfriend every single day. Then when I moved back home to Austin (my parents begged me too and the economy went to hell, and well I didn't have a job) and my boyfriend moved to San Antonio to live with his mom. Things were still good even though we couldn't see each other every day. He was working and on the right path to the career he wants. We manage to see each other every weekend.

Then he gets a new job in Houston and gets into grad. school there so he moves back to Houston and now we see each other maybe every other weekend. When he starts school I don't know how busy he'll be, either way I'll be Oklahoma. So yeah, been back in Austin six months and haven't had any luck with finding a job so I have to move with my parents. My parents are selling this house so they can move to OK, a smaller town, better job opportunities, quite place to retire later in life and closer to other family members.

The only upside for me about moving to OK is that I'll have a better chance at finding work, at least I hope so, and we might be getting a great dane. Other than that I'm not looking forward to moving. I'm leaving everything and everyone I know behind. I love my family but I'm a grown woman and I don't particularly enjoy spending every day of my life with my family. Love them but that doesn't mean I want to live with them. God, imagine being surrounded by only family members, no friends or significant other to turn to. If you have one of those love dovey, squishy family you wouldn't understand. That's not to say that my family is close, we are, we're just not that kind of close. For the time being though I know I have no other choice and I'll have to suck it up and deal with it. So I've accepted and I'm going to just focus on finding a job, saving money, passing my Thai language test in Oct. so that I can graduate in Dec. then I'll worry about moving back to Texas.

Anyway...about my relationship.

Early tonight my boyfriend called and we got to talking. Usually we don't really talk about anything important but the topic of me moving and our past came up. We've broken up before, years ago. It was only for about four months but we got back together. I really wasn't expecting us to because at the time he moved to Ohio and neither of us knew how long he'd be there. I was willing to work at it but he was being difficult and unsure so I broke it off with him. There's nothing more annoying than indecisiveness in a relationship. I'm not the type to take anyone back but seeing as how we had no real issues before we broke I gave him another shot.

Honestly, I just don't wanna have to go through that mess again. If we break up again it's the last straw. I only give one second chance and I used it on him, there's no more second chances left with me.

Back to what I was saying...We get to talking and I asked him if he'll come visit me in OK and I was expecting it to be an easy answer. Instead I get some half ass answer like he doesn't know if he'll have time when school starts. I told him I don't expect him to come see me every weekend or even once a month just whenever he has time from work and school. I just figured that after FIVE YEARS together he'd be able to find some time in his schedule to visit his girlfriend. I mean, I go see him whenever I can and he's yet to visit me since he moved back to Houston (he was going to last weekend but had to work and wouldn't get here until dark so I went there instead).

Then he tells me something crazy his friend once did. He said that his friend drove across country from Texas to Florida, three days drive, to pick up a girl he's never met. They've been talking online and on the phone for a while but never met in person. Yeah, I think that's crazy but it ticks me off that his friend would do that for a girl he's never met and my boyfriend of five years doesn't know if he can find the time to visit me????!!!

It says a lot about how much he values our relationship and how much he actually cares for me. <_<
Call me crazy but if you really care about someone and really wanted to be with them distance shouldn't be a problem, especially if it's only temporary. (By the way OK and Houston isn't nearly as far as Austin to Florida.) If you really care and really want it to work then you make it work and try until you no longer want to try. I'm not asking for a lot and I know it's going to be hard not seeing each other as often as we're use to but I would think that the alternative (breaking up) would be worse.
I don't do that "break" bullshit either. Taking a "break" to me is a sorry as excuse for staying in a relationship or not wanting to let go. It's a half ass break up that's what it is. You're either together or you're not. Taking a "break" usually means one person in that relationship wants to test out the waters, see other people but doesn't want to let go of their safety net in case they don't find someone else, or that they're worried they might regret the breakup.
 

dynomite

Wanna-Be เจ้าชู้
Women are by nature emotional beings. You make moves on a whim.

You should be patient and reasonable with your man. If it's not feasible, you should imagine what it owuld be like if you were in school. Finances, exams, etc.

You are the one without a job and you are being demanding on him? No disrespect, but you should try to be patient. If he loves you, let his actions speak for them. You should sit tight and determine what the future holds for you.

One of the things lacking in this generation is tolerance.

Try to be tolerant and see what happens. If you truly don't love him and he has found someone else, then sure, give him the boot. But you stated yourself that everything is fine.

Be patient... you have no idea what is ahead and neither does he. Do you really want to break up a 5 year relationship because he didn't say he would come out to see you every other weekend?

Focus on your part of making the relationship better. Love yourself and in the end, you'll be fine. You might find a job, meet a nice guy who introduces you to the town and possibly have your own quandry of love and break his heart.

Stay positive and you'll be fine...
 

Liberty

sarNie Adult
Women are by nature emotional beings. You make moves on a whim.

You should be patient and reasonable with your man. If it's not feasible, you should imagine what it owuld be like if you were in school. Finances, exams, etc.

You are the one without a job and you are being demanding on him? No disrespect, but you should try to be patient. If he loves you, let his actions speak for them. You should sit tight and determine what the future holds for you.

One of the things lacking in this generation is tolerance.

Try to be tolerant and see what happens. If you truly don't love him and he has found someone else, then sure, give him the boot. But you stated yourself that everything is fine.

Be patient... you have no idea what is ahead and neither does he. Do you really want to break up a 5 year relationship because he didn't say he would come out to see you every other weekend?

Focus on your part of making the relationship better. Love yourself and in the end, you'll be fine. You might find a job, meet a nice guy who introduces you to the town and possibly have your own quandry of love and break his heart.

Stay positive and you'll be fine...
I'm not demanding anything of him. I spent a lot of time, money and energy in this relationship. Unless you've done the same in a relationship that you've been in for many years you wouldn't understand. I don't expect anything but the same treatment and respect that I give him. I've been in his position when he was jobless and made my efforts. I don't expect him to see me every weekend or even once a month. I said WHENEVER he can find time. But he without even thinking about it already decided that he won't have time. Which is a load of crap really. He only works weekdays and has two classes when school starts. It's not like he's going to be a full time student. I'm not asking him to promise anything just think about it and he didn't even do that. FIVE years and he couldn't even think about it.

I'm sorry but did you not read the title? It's called venting. I have no plans on breaking up my boyfriend and nor do I plan on breaking up with him over a statement. I'm not 16, I'm a grown woman. I take my relationship very seriously and I don't make rash decisions like that without taking the time to consider it. As for the "quandry of love" excuse me but my life isn't a soap opera and I don't do things that way. I don't like drama and I don't invite it into my life. I've been in long distance relationships in the past and never once did I consider cheating. I have too much self respect and respect for my relationships to do such a thing. Yes, I DO love myself. I'm not one of those girls. If I didn't love myself that statement he made wouldn't have bothered me. Like the title says VENTING.

Your reply to my posts is based on assumptions of me. You don't know me and from what I've read it sounds like you've pretty much assumed that I'm like any other girl. The fact that you think I'm being inpatient and unreasonable pretty much confirms it. I'm sorry but how does expecting to be treated with the same respect that I treat him and expecting him to put as much effort into our relationship as I do unreasonable? How is me still being with him even though I'm moving out of state being impatient? If I were impatient I would have demanded he visit me the moment I moved there but I didn't. I said WHENEVER he has time. Like I said, you don't know me nor do you know anything about me. So saying that I lack tolerance is a stretch and frankly, insulting. If I was tolerant you'd honestly think that I'd be with him this long?

If I sound ticked off it's because I am. I don't take kindly to people making assumptions.
Since you brought up intolerance you might want to go back and re-read your posts because it screams intolerance.
Example:
Women are by nature emotional beings. You make moves on a whim.
Not only is that comment being prejudice towards women but you're basically judging an entire sex as one entity. We're not all the same and the fact that you would even say that is sexist. You don't know me how do you know I make moves on whim? You DON'T. I can give you tons of example of men making moves on a whim. Hello. Did you not read the part where I mentioned my boyfriend's friend driving across country for a girl he doesn't even know? Yeah, what do you call that?

Another example:
One of the things lacking in this generation is tolerance.
You're judging a whole generation as one like you judged an entire sex as one. You showed intolerance in your statement about the lack of tolerance. Ironic is it not?


And FYI: Just because I don't have a steady job at the moment doesn't mean I haven't been trying. I've been working since I was 15 years old. I'm not a person that likes to depend on other people financially. No, I don't have a job but that doesn't mean I don't have money (some of us actually do have money saved up for situations like this) or money coming in.
 

dynomite

Wanna-Be เจ้าชู้
Ouch!

Since I don't want to get the reputation of instigating with a complete stranger. I'll wave the white flag b/c Darvil would love label me a trouble maker.

Food for thought was all that was intended to do.

Since I pressed your buttons. I'll stop here. :^)
 

anan

sarNie Adult
It must be a little bit frustrating isn't it ???

i don't know if it's ur expectation or... his answer (of so called "busy & no time" excuses) that made u feel of so called ~~"venting".... or probably both...

if i were in this situation...

1) u r only 26/27 !! asian girls always look younger than their ages aren't they ? :p u talk like u r an olddd woman who won't find a husband (in case u broke up) already... Ohh c'monnn,,, take care more of urself, do ur jogging like u used to do & make urself always pretty :)

2) 5 years are not nothing, it's long enough to know ur bf (well enough), spent time & money $$ together etc....
Love distance isn't a easy thing,,, i admire ur patience & high commitment & belief to urself,,, to balance between love, work & family...
however, when u r the only one to believe strongly that it will work, u ask ur partner to be patient etc... at the end of the road of the long distance love (whatever the excuse to break up could be),,, u feel like u wasted 4 years of ur life,,,

3) if ur bf doesn't invest that much in the relationship,, well, why should u do more ??? in all good relationship, life should be fair no ?,,, the expectation of each other cannot be fulfilled always & all the time at 100% but at least the "minimum" right ?

Take ur time and G'luck to ur new life in OK, ;)
 

Liberty

sarNie Adult
haha yeah, I'm not old but still I'm not a teenager anymore. I'm getting closer to 30 and it's freaky me out a little. No, I have no expectations to get married any time soon. I know neither of us are ready. He just started a new job and is starting grad school. He's on the right path to his career. I'm still trying to finish school so I can get my foot on the right path on my career. It'll be at least another five to eight years before I'm ready to get married. But stuff like this is hard to calculate. Five years ago I never even considered the possibility of getting married. It was never in my frame of thought.

I plan on getting back to myself once I move. I heard the weather's nice there and I can finally get out and enjoy the parks without feeling like someone set me on fire. :p I can get back in tip top shape and get back to working on my novels.

I won't feel like it would be a waste if we broke up. I don't like to cling on to things if they don't work out. I'm the type that's willing to cut my loses. But, just giving up isn't working on a relationship. Five years isn't long in the longer scoop of things but it's quite a commitment to make to another person. When you're with someone for five years it's harder to just through it all away when you've put so much work into it. But if it's really not meant to be I get it. It just ticks me off when the other person can think so little of it.


It must be a little bit frustrating isn't it ???

i don't know if it's ur expectation or... his answer (of so called "busy & no time" excuses) that made u feel of so called ~~"venting".... or probably both...

if i were in this situation...

1) u r only 26/27 !! asian girls always look younger than their ages aren't they ? :p u talk like u r an olddd woman who won't find a husband (in case u broke up) already... Ohh c'monnn,,, take care more of urself, do ur jogging like u used to do & make urself always pretty :)

2) 5 years are not nothing, it's long enough to know ur bf (well enough), spent time & money $$ together etc....
Love distance isn't a easy thing,,, i admire ur patience & high commitment & belief to urself,,, to balance between love, work & family...
however, when u r the only one to believe strongly that it will work, u ask ur partner to be patient etc... at the end of the road of the long distance love (whatever the excuse to break up could be),,, u feel like u wasted 4 years of ur life,,,

3) if ur bf doesn't invest that much in the relationship,, well, why should u do more ??? in all good relationship, life should be fair no ?,,, the expectation of each other cannot be fulfilled always & all the time at 100% but at least the "minimum" right ?

Take ur time and G'luck to ur new life in OK, ;)
 

BaBeeLaiLai

BaBeeLaiLai
I think all of us girls feel that way sometimes in our life. It hurts and it sucks. I myself am having relationship problems to. Believe me, I know it hurts and it sucks when we put so much effort into our relationship and all we expect is for them to do the same. Guys don't apperciate the things we do. As for me I don't believe in long distant relationship. I think in order to hold a relationship strong, couples need to see and feel eachother. Touch is important. If I were you I would be piss and hurt too, him saying that he can't find time to go and see you. When they say stuff like that it makes us feel like were not loved or they don't care enough to want to see us.
 

Liberty

sarNie Adult
I think all of us girls feel that way sometimes in our life. It hurts and it sucks. I myself am having relationship problems to. Believe me, I know it hurts and it sucks when we put so much effort into our relationship and all we expect is for them to do the same. Guys don't apperciate the things we do. As for me I don't believe in long distant relationship. I think in order to hold a relationship strong, couples need to see and feel eachother. Touch is important. If I were you I would be piss and hurt too, him saying that he can't find time to go and see you. When they say stuff like that it makes us feel like were not loved or they don't care enough to want to see us.
Exactly!
He complains that he doesn't see me enough but also complains about having to travel the distance.
I'm like dude, If I can deal with it so can you!
 

dfemc

sarNie Adult
it's always interesting when u see the XY-chromosomes' explanation to things. by "interesting," i mean it's quite lame, assuming, and stereotypical of a man's response to a womyn's venting. undoubtedly, most male's responses are definitely biased, PRESUMPTUOUS, and undermining of a womyn's ability to rationalize through their situations.

u've brought up many a legitimate points regarding ur your boyfriend's hesitation to commit to even the POSSIBILITY of visiting you out there. perhaps, he's just so frustrated with school and all that's going on in his life, that he has a hard time sorting out EVERYTHING in his life including YOU. it's unfortunate like u said, and practically inconsiderate. but of course, there's that human factor. however, i'd have to agree with u that DISTANCE should NEVER be an issue if two ppl truly care about each other. and he'd put more effort in trying to make it work.

so who knows what's going on in his mind or which aspect of his thought process he's not communicating to you; but analyzing the male psychology to justify all his possibilities is just too much. he really needs to seriously step up to the plate and be a MAN about handling all this in his life including YOU and the relationship. like u said, it's been a FIVE year relationship and u guys are grown committed couples, who's gone through a lot to still be together till this day. MEN just have to grow more balls, otherwise, it's HIS loss. cuz ur definitely a strong intelligent womyn who could be appreciated by REAL MEN, who understands the value of having a womyn like u by their side. :)

best of luck chica, n i'm not too far off from ur situation, so i'm paddlin' a similar boat all the way, except, i'm no longer in the relationship. :D
 
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