CaspertheFriendlyGhost
sarNie Egg
I was weak, lying to myself that I was strong. I was afraid of leaving home, to be on my own. I couldn't run away from the people who hurt me. The people that people call family. The family I was born into. I was a good kid since I was a child. Did everything my parents asked of me. Did all the chores around the house ever since I was old enough to learn how. Went to school every day. Never had the chance to play with my friends because of how strict my parents were. So I didn't have too many friends. No one I could turn to when I felt sad.
No one was important enough for my dad to care about. He loved his friends more than his family. He loved smoking more than his family. He loved his pets more than his family. He loved gambling more than his family. He loved his long distance girlfriends more than his family. Because of all of those things, our wealth went from middle class to poor. Both my parents worked, my mom in the morning, my dad in the evening. They each had their own paychecks, but they shared a bank account. My dad uses his paychecks to send to his girlfriends. My mom used hers to pay for the bills. My dad even went as far as to steeling my mother's gold necklaces to send to his girlfriends. He loved them more than his family to the point where he had to file bankruptcy.
Before my mother knew it, her favorite car was taken away and the house fell to the bank. My dad kept it secret from her to the last minute. My mother was heart broken by my dad's doings. She even considered suicide. She told me that if she didn't come home to see my little brother's face pressed to the window every day waiting for her, she might have killed herself. My mother was the best person ever. She cared for us more than she cared for herself. She held herself together for us. She stayed with my dad through all those years because she was afraid of how our lives would turn out with out a father. She was afraid if she found a new husband, or if my dad remarried, their new spouse would not love us. I appreciate my mother and I love her so much.
Our family didn't show each other love because we weren't raised to know it. We weren't raised to show affection. To this day, whenever I experience any form of affection, I still feel awkward. Me being the only girl, I felt lonely. My three brother's would hang out together and not invite me. When I follow them, they push me away saying that I shouldn't hang out with them because I'm a girl. So when my mom gave birth to little sister, I was so happy. But I was already going into high school at that time. My younger sister and I are fifteen years apart. I have no friends so I'm still really immature because I hang out with a bunch of kids. They only follow me around because they think having an older friend is cool. And I've had a fair share of crushes, but no one has ever liked me back, because being alone all those years, I was a loner. I wasn't popular and I was chubby. No one liked me and they bullied me with words. I felt ashamed of myself.
After graduation, we moved to a new state. I left the only friend I've had since third grade. I stayed inside my room all day because I don't feel comfortable meeting new people. I love exploring new places and love going for walks, but where there's a lot of people I feel anxious. I entertained myself by watching movies and dramas and listening to music. I also taught myself a new language as well. But even though I'm a big girl now, I still do everything for my family. I take care of the younger siblings. I do most of the chores along with my mother. Now that she's gotten older, she's become more grumpy and complains a lot. I can understand that she has been through a lot for us. But what hurts me the most is when she would say that I don't do anything. she calls me lazy and it hurts me. I'm sad that she doesn't and didn't see all the things I have done in the past for everyone.
But it's worse with my dad. I can't forgive him for what he caused all of us to go through. But he's still my father and I still take care of him. My parents always have to argue about the smallest things. My mother has decided and made up her mind that she doesn't love my dad anymore and she only stays with him for the children. She doesn't care what he does anymore. In front of them, I pretend to not care, but I cry myself to sleep every night. For the past five years, I've been giving my parents foot massages every night because they complain that their feet hurt. There are sometimes when I get really exhausted and want to rest. My hands and arms hurt so much too from never getting any rest. I just want my parents to understand this, but if I don't do it, they say I don't love them. They say that I'm useless. They say that if I wasn't going to help them, then what was I raised up for. They say I never do anything for them. I can only hold in my tears and do it for them.
What hurt me most was the fight I had with my dad on my birthday. It was my day and I just wanted for myself. The whole day I had done everything. It was already 10PM when I went to my room to rest. My dad came and told me to wash the dishes and take out the trash. I did as he said, but he didn't stop. He kept complaining that I was lazy and kept repeating for me to take out the trash. I was a bit annoyed and told him that I know so he should stop talking. Taking out the garbage bag, I turned to go to outside. My dad was blocking my way, asking why I had the nerve to argue with him. I told him that he didn't need to repeat it over. He slapped me with the back of his hand and told me that if I was going to argue then for me to get out of his house. He said that I was no use, why was I even born. I held in my tears, not wanting him to see me cry, and walked out the door. Throwing the trash away, I ran. I didn't want to go back inside so I went to a close by store and sat by the bus stop to cry. I shouted out to the empty street that I wanted to die. I didn't care that there were people looking at me like I was crazy.
At that place and moment, I replayed my life in my mind. My life is Shit. I thought about everything bad that happened. I tried thinking about anything happy I could remember, but there was nothing. My darkest secrets came into my mind at that moment. I'm not really innocent. Is that why god is punishing me? My insecurities filled my head. No one likes me because I'm fat and ugly. I smell bad. My teeth are ugly and crooked. My breath stinks. I'm not a virgin anymore. That one hurt me the most. I'm not a virgin anymore. The reason was something I wished I didn't remember, I wished I never found out. I realized too late, but once I found out, I could never forget and forgive that person. Even after he passed away, I still hate him. It was my biggest insecurity. What if the person I love found out that I'm not a virgin and doesn't want me anymore? What if he found out the reason why and was disgusted? What if he found out the other sins I have committed? I am ashamed. Should I even be alive anymore? Please tell me.
Would anyone accept me anymore if they knew this about me? Every time I think about this, I can't stop my tears. I can never tell this to anyone that I know in real life. So please tell me. If it was you and you found out these about me, will you be able to accept this? Will you be able to over look my sins? Will you be able to accept my shitty life? Even though right now, I pretend to be strong and say that I love myself, but no matter what, the truth still lies in the back of my mind.
No one was important enough for my dad to care about. He loved his friends more than his family. He loved smoking more than his family. He loved his pets more than his family. He loved gambling more than his family. He loved his long distance girlfriends more than his family. Because of all of those things, our wealth went from middle class to poor. Both my parents worked, my mom in the morning, my dad in the evening. They each had their own paychecks, but they shared a bank account. My dad uses his paychecks to send to his girlfriends. My mom used hers to pay for the bills. My dad even went as far as to steeling my mother's gold necklaces to send to his girlfriends. He loved them more than his family to the point where he had to file bankruptcy.
Before my mother knew it, her favorite car was taken away and the house fell to the bank. My dad kept it secret from her to the last minute. My mother was heart broken by my dad's doings. She even considered suicide. She told me that if she didn't come home to see my little brother's face pressed to the window every day waiting for her, she might have killed herself. My mother was the best person ever. She cared for us more than she cared for herself. She held herself together for us. She stayed with my dad through all those years because she was afraid of how our lives would turn out with out a father. She was afraid if she found a new husband, or if my dad remarried, their new spouse would not love us. I appreciate my mother and I love her so much.
Our family didn't show each other love because we weren't raised to know it. We weren't raised to show affection. To this day, whenever I experience any form of affection, I still feel awkward. Me being the only girl, I felt lonely. My three brother's would hang out together and not invite me. When I follow them, they push me away saying that I shouldn't hang out with them because I'm a girl. So when my mom gave birth to little sister, I was so happy. But I was already going into high school at that time. My younger sister and I are fifteen years apart. I have no friends so I'm still really immature because I hang out with a bunch of kids. They only follow me around because they think having an older friend is cool. And I've had a fair share of crushes, but no one has ever liked me back, because being alone all those years, I was a loner. I wasn't popular and I was chubby. No one liked me and they bullied me with words. I felt ashamed of myself.
After graduation, we moved to a new state. I left the only friend I've had since third grade. I stayed inside my room all day because I don't feel comfortable meeting new people. I love exploring new places and love going for walks, but where there's a lot of people I feel anxious. I entertained myself by watching movies and dramas and listening to music. I also taught myself a new language as well. But even though I'm a big girl now, I still do everything for my family. I take care of the younger siblings. I do most of the chores along with my mother. Now that she's gotten older, she's become more grumpy and complains a lot. I can understand that she has been through a lot for us. But what hurts me the most is when she would say that I don't do anything. she calls me lazy and it hurts me. I'm sad that she doesn't and didn't see all the things I have done in the past for everyone.
But it's worse with my dad. I can't forgive him for what he caused all of us to go through. But he's still my father and I still take care of him. My parents always have to argue about the smallest things. My mother has decided and made up her mind that she doesn't love my dad anymore and she only stays with him for the children. She doesn't care what he does anymore. In front of them, I pretend to not care, but I cry myself to sleep every night. For the past five years, I've been giving my parents foot massages every night because they complain that their feet hurt. There are sometimes when I get really exhausted and want to rest. My hands and arms hurt so much too from never getting any rest. I just want my parents to understand this, but if I don't do it, they say I don't love them. They say that I'm useless. They say that if I wasn't going to help them, then what was I raised up for. They say I never do anything for them. I can only hold in my tears and do it for them.
What hurt me most was the fight I had with my dad on my birthday. It was my day and I just wanted for myself. The whole day I had done everything. It was already 10PM when I went to my room to rest. My dad came and told me to wash the dishes and take out the trash. I did as he said, but he didn't stop. He kept complaining that I was lazy and kept repeating for me to take out the trash. I was a bit annoyed and told him that I know so he should stop talking. Taking out the garbage bag, I turned to go to outside. My dad was blocking my way, asking why I had the nerve to argue with him. I told him that he didn't need to repeat it over. He slapped me with the back of his hand and told me that if I was going to argue then for me to get out of his house. He said that I was no use, why was I even born. I held in my tears, not wanting him to see me cry, and walked out the door. Throwing the trash away, I ran. I didn't want to go back inside so I went to a close by store and sat by the bus stop to cry. I shouted out to the empty street that I wanted to die. I didn't care that there were people looking at me like I was crazy.
At that place and moment, I replayed my life in my mind. My life is Shit. I thought about everything bad that happened. I tried thinking about anything happy I could remember, but there was nothing. My darkest secrets came into my mind at that moment. I'm not really innocent. Is that why god is punishing me? My insecurities filled my head. No one likes me because I'm fat and ugly. I smell bad. My teeth are ugly and crooked. My breath stinks. I'm not a virgin anymore. That one hurt me the most. I'm not a virgin anymore. The reason was something I wished I didn't remember, I wished I never found out. I realized too late, but once I found out, I could never forget and forgive that person. Even after he passed away, I still hate him. It was my biggest insecurity. What if the person I love found out that I'm not a virgin and doesn't want me anymore? What if he found out the reason why and was disgusted? What if he found out the other sins I have committed? I am ashamed. Should I even be alive anymore? Please tell me.
Would anyone accept me anymore if they knew this about me? Every time I think about this, I can't stop my tears. I can never tell this to anyone that I know in real life. So please tell me. If it was you and you found out these about me, will you be able to accept this? Will you be able to over look my sins? Will you be able to accept my shitty life? Even though right now, I pretend to be strong and say that I love myself, but no matter what, the truth still lies in the back of my mind.
