sarNie Egg
hi everyone,

I am a married young wife. I want to know those of you that are married about your in-laws and how they treat you and marriage life. Some in-laws are soo mean and etc while others are great with their daughter-in-laws. As for mine, mine are father-in-law is known to be a mean guy that almost everyone don't like and know about. My mother-in-law is known to be nice. You know what you guys, I like my father-in-law and love him more because I see the good side of him. Eventhough he is mean, he has a straight heart and is fair. MY mother-in-law, I really really dislike her. She is the nice one in everyones' eyes but she is the evil one and does not have a straight heart and unfair who doesn't treat her daughter-in-laws right. She can't even do things now that she has alot of health problems, she doesn't even love all her daughter-in-laws who kill theirselves to be at the house every freaken day to cook and clean for her family eventhough they have their own family to take care of. She treats her grandkids from her son soo mean but when it come sto her daughters' kids, she loves them, talk sooo nice to them and give them stuff wile she tells the other grandkids that they are mean and evil.

I hate my life soo much that I cry like almost every day when I think of it. I just want to fly back home. People talk soo much shit and don't even know what the daughter-in-laws are going through. My husband doesn't even try to understand what I am going through or his other sister-in-laws. YOu know how we have to hide our feelings from the family so that the in-laws will not know; this makes my husband think that I am the only one who is mean and not happy while the others are happy. Everyday, I try to tell him about his mother and how she is but he doesn't believe me and would say all these other stuff to back her up. We had soo many fights when I bring up stuff about his family. Since he won't let me go to work and pregnant right now, I been taking care of his parents since I married him; I see how his mother really is. I fell like a slave and not a wife most time. I wake up, cook, clean, stay home all day long watching the house and his parents then clean and cook for the whole family when they come home. This is my everyday life. Some days, so many guests come to visit that I have to kill myself to cook for them eventhough I am pregnant. My mother-in-law would cry to the guestsand say stuff to them and then they would look at me weird and start cooking medicine for her and tell me what to do. Every guests that come to the house would give me medicine to cook for my in-laws and this and that. They all tell me the same thing every time " you stay home so do this and that for your in-laws". I feel like I am losing my mind. When I tell my husband about this and that some people that come to the house don't respect me, talk very rude to me, and think I don't do anything, after they talked to his mom, he thinks and tells me that I am crazy.

My mother-in-law would fake that she can't pick up her spoon or can't eat anything infront of guests but when there's none, she would eat all her food. I get soo mad when she does this because the guests would come up to me and tell me to cook the malt-o-meal and this other wheat soup for her. I feel like crying everytime because I do cook those for her and no one sees it. They just tell me what else to do and etc. I feel like exploding but I can't because these are old people. They act like they were never a daughter-in-law before. I feel like every guest that we had; always pick on me just because I stay home eventhough I don't want to. Even if I work or go to school, I will still have to cook and clean as much anyways and it will drive me crazy. I can not plan anything because almost every weekend, the whole family has to throw a hmong ritual party for the in-laws because they both are in bad health and etc. We did soo many already and its not even helping but the people outside think that we don't so they even does it too.

The saddest part is that my own husband doesn't really help me around the house eventhough I am pregnant. He can't even wash his own plate! He still thinks like the old people. He believes that women have their own roles and guys have their own. He always tell me that I think too much and that I should not think of it and just think of the positive. I tell him that I can't because it seems like everyone expect me to do soo much and I only have two hands and a brain that is shrinking everyday. I did expected marriage life to be hard and etc but not this much. This family has soo many guests that the daugther-in-laws is always cooking and cleaning everyweek. The sad thing about this family is that they expect their daughter-in-laws to do everything while their daughters don't have to do anything and plus they don't know how to do anything. They are soo smart in school and always brag about it and always say others are dumb and stupid but my gosh! can't even use their brain when it comes to house work and cooking. To me, a smart person is a person that knows how to use its hands and legs and brain all together. This family is soo spoil. They all sit and wait until all the daughter-in-laws finish cooking then eat like they are some kind of royal family or something.

God, I wish I can move out but I know that I can't. I tried and look at me; still living with them because the father won't let us move out. I feel like I have to live like this until they are gone. Gosh I hope its soon because I know I will go crazy oneday.

"My husband said that when the outside people start talking shit about you is because someone in the family started it"
Funny because I tell him that its his mom who did it and when someone really do walk up to me or me hearing anything bad about me, I will really say shit to his parents and etc. This is my marriage life. I don't know what you are thinking about me now but I do have some thoughts in my head of what you might say or think but its okay. I never wanted to end up like this but here I am getting everything that I did not want. I realize that in life, what you don't want, god tend to give it to you. Good luck to those of yous that are still not married yet. In-laws can be soo crual.


sarNie Egg
I guess the best you can do is to have a private talk with your husband over all the issues--knowing that he love his parents so much, it will be hard for you. Your husband might be tradditional but you married him and know him inside out--u know what his strengths and weaknesses are, just choose one of his weakness and use it to make him listen or do what you want. This method usually work for me, if you are able to do this, u will have the power to drag and pull him in any direction you want........

However, at the moment, I would highly recommend you to find yourself a job or do some volunteer job outside of the house if you can, so the family can't take advantage of you. Plus poeple never respect you if you don't work or don't have an income--regardless of what your husband tell you, you need to stand up and go work, so your in-laws know that you are cable of doing things--not just sit around waiting for their son to support you.


sarNie Adult
I'm sorry to hear about your life...
I don't have any experience but like lazzy said, just talk to your husband about it. I'm sure he'll understand.


sarNie Egg
Its not easy like what you guys said. My mother-in-law is paralyzed in one of her hand and leg that she can't really do anything and my father-in-law is not in good health too. Sometimes he gets sick and etc. I am the only one who watches them and my lilo niece and nephew at home when everyone else is at work and school. That is why my life is sooo hard. I tried to talk to my husband soo many times but he never tries to understand me. He doesn't want me to work too. I feel like if I work, I can't go anymore after I give birth because there will be no one watching my baby and if I was to go to school, I will not be able to concentrate in school with all these stressful things and dramas in my life. It will drive me crazy. I will have to stop going after I give birth too. I feel sooo stuck right now. I just hope that my life will get brighter everyday from now on.


sarNie Hatchling
Well...I have been married for 7 yrs now. My in-laws are divorced, so my FIL lives with us. From what I heard, my MIL is a loving mother who just got into a bad marriage. The first yr into marriage was great. But after that everything went down hill. If I were to tell my marriage life story, it will take forever. So to sum my past 6 yrs miserable life short, FIL says his daughters loves him more and we don't. His way of love is giving $$ and buying food or clothes for him. He told everyone that we don't love him and cries to them. No one dare to ask my hubby anything because everyone says he's mean. My SIL even had the nerve to get my parents involved. But luckly I told my mum ahead of time to expect it. And she didn't really say anything so they said she is on our side. My FIL called my mum and said that it was my fault that's why his son is like that towards him. But the truth is, my hubby doesn't want his father to live with us. He tells me that he chooses me over his family. Just give him the word and his father is out. But I believe in taking care of the elders, no matter how bad they are to me, unless it's so bad that I can't stand it anymore...but, for 6 yrs, those who heard our side of the story didn't say much, but those who hears and believes without giving us a chance to explain ourselves talks behind our back. My FIL did move out for a while, but was forced to move out where he was living. So we took him back in. Now he doesn't say much no more. And I know that now, ppl doesn't believe him as much. Because how can you cry and tell everyone that your son hate and wants you dead, but you still move back in with him?
What I'm going to tell you is not what you want to hear. Be patient. Even though they don't respect you, just be the good nyab you were raised to be. I know it's hard when everyone is against you. If you feel that you need to speak up for yourself, go ahead. But don't put your in-laws down because tsis xav raug foom tsis zoo. You can say something like, "I do cook it for her" "if you guys see that I don't do anything then show me how to do it." Have you talked to your parents about your situation? I know, it's not good to get them involved, but sometimes when you can't hold it in no more, you need to let them know. You're pregnant too, so don't want you to stress out alot, not good for the baby. Like I said, be patient. If your husband agree with you, move out. Tell your FIL that you two are moving out because there won't be no room for the baby. When all the siblings are married, then you two will move back in to take care of your inlaws. And since you are not working, you can come over once a day to care for your MIL & FIL. If they finally let you two move out, go everyday to see what your inlaws need for an hour or two, and then come back home. You don't have to clean the house unless you want to. I hope your husband starts helping you out and sticking up for you, because I already know what's in the future for you two. But I will not say it. Best if luck. ;)


sarNie Juvenile
Dont be too nice to them. If you treat them really nice, they will not see it. My cousin married to a jerk. His parents are the worst in-laws. She was really nice to them, but they treated her like trash--didn't respect her at all. Respect them, but don't treat them too nice and do everything they say. If you do everything they say and don't make your husband listen, your life is going to be this misery until the in-laws pass away. Women are evil. Try to ignore the mother sometimes.

If you talk to the elders, they will tell you to be patient and do whatever to stay with that family, but I don't think I can do it.


sarNie Juvenile
I know those kind of two-faced mother-in-law. I have seem many! I dont know if your husband will ever understand or turn around to support you because seems like he loved his parents alot. Everytime, he is just going to blame you. Best is move out if you can.
Two of my friends married into the worst family ever. I told my bf that I want a mother-in-law like my mom...and he says his mom is nice, but I'm not sure. :p


sarNie Egg
I'd been married for 7 years and still feel like I just met my in-laws today. For those of you who had bad experiences with your in-laws, I totally understand. I know that there are good in-laws out there but from my personal experiences, I felt in-laws take advantage their daughter-n-law. Before I married my husband, my in-laws were the best. They were so sweet and always packing stuff for me to take home after a visit. But after getting married to them, everything totally change. Honestly, my husband even changed. He never side with me and what ever my n-laws blame on me, he would agree with them. I had always dream of a nice relationship with my n-laws. But to them, I'm no more than a servent because they paid for me. My f-n-law would curse at me and wish me the worst in my life. My m-n-law is very nice on the outside but she loves to play the victim, especially in front of my husband and my f-n-law. Honestly, I don't blame no one but myself for getting marry to early. But what I will never ever except is the misery that my n-laws had put me through. they even tell my husband to divorce me after I had my first child. they promise him that they will get him a better wife. It even got to the point where my husband starts to abuse me.

Ladies, let me tell you, it is sad but there is no time to stop and cry. If you want to get some where in life you have to be strong and show it to your in-laws. yes, I got married when i was 16 years old. My husband and in-laws treat me like shit. but I did not let that stop me. I was strong enough to tell my husband that I want to move out, with or without him. this was the beginning of my strength. yes, it hurts and you have to suffer a lot but in the end you will get the pot of gold, just don't give up. I stop being nice to my n-laws. i do however, respect them because I'm not the evil person they claim I am. i stop asking for their help. i basically do everything on my own and find my own resources. you just need to look for them. Trust me, I'd been through it. Regarding husband, if he loves you, he would listen to you no matter what. Sometimes you have to show it to them, make these husband aftraid of you; I don't mean go and cheat behind thier back. There are plenty of ways to do it. My way is to continue with my education and be higher than my husband. Finally, after 7 years my husband finally see the truth in his eyes about his parent and give me my respect as a wife. Even though I'm poor now, all it matters is my husband is at my side. My advice is to not give up just because of a bad relationship with your n-laws. you have to keep going and pursue your dreams because this is your life not theirs. you ladies can do it because I did it. I got married when i was 16 and now I'm 23, living on my own with my husband and daughters, finishing the nursing program at Fresno State next spring. I did this without my n-laws help.


sarNie Juvenile
we had some very sad story here ... good tips....I do understand how bad some in laws can be... I probably will stay single forever.... i guess of right now...but i don't know what will happen in the future.... BEST LUCK


sarNie Hatchling
Hey, just because you single girls out there hear these sad stories doesn't mean for you girls not to get married. Our stories is to tell you to be smarter then us. Have money by the time you are married so you won't rely on your in-laws. Do to your in-laws how you want your sister-in-law to do to your parents. Make sure your husband chooses you. I know blood is thicker, but you are the one who will is going to be his companion to the end, not his parents. But if you are afraid to get marry, I'll tell you this. Find a man who doesn't have parents. He'll love you and it will just be you and him. Don't marry the oldest/youngest/only son, more likely you'll be stuck with the in-laws. So good luck in life, single girls out there!


I've been married for about 2 years.. and it's good. It's just they expect soooooooooooooo much out of my husband and I rather than his older brother who's been married for 8 years.. His wife's difficult though.. so that's probably the main reason.. other than that... i think married life is wonderful! we're buying our own house now, so it'll be a lot better!


sarNie Adult
that is sooo true.....but im not gonnna marry aniwase....i rather live on my own and get good career and thats all i wanted...


sarNie Adult
aww.. you had to cool the steam somewhere eh?

I know what you mean... I guess your inlaws are still pretty young.. girl, I know that it's hard..
but when you don't have a mother in law anymore, don't you think life would be even more difficult?
my mother in law passed away a few months after I married my husband.. Life was even more difficult.. My mother in law was in a worse condition than yours.. she was paralyzed, couldn't move, eat or talk... she was bed ridden like 2 weeks after I married my husband.. it was really difficult because I had just gotten into this family and now I have the help with all these responsibilities that I had never, ever been prepared for... We had to put her into the nursing home because she couldn't transport herself to the bathroom anymore.. she was like a huge baby... even though she was in the nursing home, someone was always expected to be with her over there.. my father in law made it a huge deal for me and my husband because we were going to school in a different city.. we had to drive back and forth EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND to take care of her on the weekends because they took care of her on the weekdays... after a while, she passed away, things got worse.. my father in law was unable to do anything for himself... I was really sad for him.. He depended on my niam laus and me to cook for him and take care of all the housework... and the only thing he could do for himself was his laundry.. Our family isn't rich either, so it was really difficult for everyone.. my niam laus just had her baby, she had 3 children to take care of... and I was at school.. our family was broken up... nobody knows what we went through... My niam laus got sick of me going to school in a different city and made many threats to me and the family so that I would move into the home and leave my husband alone in a city 1 hour away.. it drifted the family even further apart..

Sometimes I think to myself.. if my mother in law was still here, no matter how hard it is, whether she is nice or evil, she was what kept our family together... you can only understand this feeling when she's gone.
We have a new mother in law from Laos.. but she cannot do anything... she's so helpless... my father in law spent so much money on her, much more than they spent on me... because of her immigration shits.. and it's still incomplete... pisses me off... but what can we do... ?

anyway, my point was, take care of your mother in law, no matter how bitchy she is.. because she is the one who keeps your father in law in sanity, the one who keeps the family together..

The best thing you can do is to move out.. I guess..


sarNie Egg
i agree....and its good i'm not married yet....

i rather not to have a mother in law...

gurl i am really sorry for you but your story is remind me myself.
i can see your family must be well know thats y you have such n such guess everyweekend.
my too and my mil is realllllllly super nice in ppls eyes too but i live with her for almost 6 yrs
and i do see the bad side of her too.
gurl my in law are same thing your their daughter is always better than anyone else daughters
her son is better than his wife
her daughter is better than her hubby.
her kids no cook no clean the house
while the dil work their assssssssssss of
when guess come and they always said
you lady really like thier son blah blah blah so
thats y you have to work hard let me say it in hmong
nej ntshaw ntshaw lawv tej twb li ces kav tsij ua huaj lwm tiag os..
whatever is not like i am walking to their door and ask them to marry me..
life is really hard sometimes just feel like i want to leave this marrige too i am going thro the same
as yours. the good thing is that i work and i want to work 2 fulltime job but i have kids and like you say
its hard when no one is going to take care of your kids while at work.


sarNie Egg
oh btw

is just like the story EE LEE of madison killed her daughter
who knows she may go thro the same thing gurls
she is not working
not going to school
can't drive
and have kids be a stay home mom with the inlaw
means even tho ppls comman this n that but sometimes
i still feel that maybe she is been having a really bad life to the point of killing her baby.
i am not saying she is innecert or clear so something but who knows behind the closed door.


sarNie Adult
this is the reason why i am having second thoughts about marrying a hmong guy. when you marry a hmong guy, you just dont marry him and get him, he bascially comes with a whole sh*t load of family dramas and issues. as a hmong girl, our worst nightmares is our In-laws.
i have three friends (non-hmong) who wants me to marry a white guy. marry a white guy moves out and live on your own. simple as that.