I am upset

[PeNgUIn*3o3]

Hey everyone!
I am upset I just don't know what to do. I have been dating my friend of 5 years only a few months ago because we sorta realize we "click" Anyways, he's going to Laos in a couple months and I have insecurities up the wah-zoo... meaning... A year ago his dad tried to make him talk to a girl from Laos and now the dad wants him to marry her. He only talks to her when the dad forces him to, other then that he has no interest in marrying one or even dating one. The only reason why he is going to Laos is to meet the girl and marry her. What am I suppose to do? Leave and pretend we have nothing or pray that he would speak up to his dad and say what's really in his heart.
I have come to realize that the dad uses his "stroke" to get his way; his mom disapproves of her only child marrying anyone from Laos because her brother is married to one and she does not love him. The mom does not want her only son to become like that and even told to my aunt that she rather have me marry him. The mom and son hides behind the stroke and does not want the dad to have another stroke problem. Honestly, I think the dad is being selfish.
I just found out that the dad bought plane tickets to Laos without him or his mom knowing it. Three tickets to Laos for Christmas and it was about 2000$ a piece. He told me last night he was mad that he had to go and what will he do with school. He will be missing 3 weeks and each term is 6 weeks long. Knowing that the dad is tricky like this who knows maybe the dad has a plan set up in Laos to marrying the girl, I don't know. I am being mean and hurtful knowing I am talking so badly about an elder here but I am too hurt. The dad knows that we are dating and yet he doesn't care. He is determined to get his son to marry the girl from Laos.
The funny thing is that ladies who are married into this family even told him that they do not see him marrying a girl from Laos because he's got to teach and adapt her to the life here. A son, 28 years old with a Master degree marrying a girl 17 year old from Laos... We can say that everyone from his 2 grandfathers side has said to his parents they do not want him to marry a girl from Laos because being the only son they will depend greatly; if he does marry a girl there he will have more than enough to kill him, and I quote that.
I don't mind him going to Laos and meeting the girl, but I do not want him to come back and tell me that he is married. I would be torn apart and I wouldn't know what to do. I think the dad wants him to marry the 17 year old girl so he can mold her into the ideal daughter-in-law. If his son marries a girl here in US, they have goals and a mindset of their own and I think the dad does not want that. His parents always pushes him and wants him to do everything they think is the best for him but he is tired. He feels that being home is tiring and coming to my place and relaxing with me is like heaven. So I don't nag nor push him. What do I do... I like him dearly and I don't want to tell him or nag him when his parents are doing that already. I just want him to speak his mind but he can't because know he will trigger his dad stress level and he doesnt want that either. When he goes off he will go off... He shares with me all his feeling and in doing this he won't take it out on his parents. I welcome all of his emotions and I help him but I duno what to do now... Help!

 

[Vamkim]

This is so much heartaches..Being force into marriage is one of the worst thing ever in someone's life. Why does the dad want him to marry a girl from loas? If they do get married, it is not out of love and there will only be hardship and a silent road for your boyfriend. It's a really hard situation in life.

 

[kazz143]

wow...i dnt want to be mean too... but sounds like his dad is forcing him to do this because his dad cant do it himself....like get a wife in laos.....and is he realy 28 years old....if so i think he is old enough to make decisions for himself.....

 

[PeNgUIn*3o3]

kazz143 yea he's only 28 and he wants to be free from his parents but everytime he tries it's a mess. He has told his dad many times he does not want to be wid a grl from laos because it's too hard on him and wats the point of earning high degrees in life is one ends up marrying someone who can't help but bring more problm. He told his dad it's like raising a child and having to teach english then finding them jobs. From wat I see not only does his parents depend on him but all his family from both mom and dad side of the family. From educational things to life issue prblm they are always calling him. I mean thinking that every depends on him so much how would a wife from laos help him. Ima not saying I am better but I was raised from a well respected and cultured family why am I not good enuf? I am an average girl wid goals and a degree but that won't stop me from not loving and respecting my future in laws that is if I want to marry him.

Vamkim, yes forced marriage really sucks when its your life and your future. When I was still my boyfriend's friend I was joking with him that his dad is making him talk to the girl so he can cheat on his mom. joking that is... But like I said in my thread, i think the dad wants his son to marry the girl so he can mold her into the ideal kind of daughter in law because she is like a clean slate. Teaching her what is expected and etc... When one tries to teach a girl from the US is sorta hard because we have our own mindset on the future we want. I know my boyfriend would be really mad if I tell him I really want to give up. I dont want to marry into a family if the mom and dad does not love me because it will only make life harder and hard to please. Just like old saying... if you marry the son, you are not only marrying him but you are marrying the family too... All I can say is that if his life in the future is sad and hard it wont be my fault but his parents. I try my best to make him happy but I cant take him from them. He told his dad many times why force him get degrees in life to be as good as the other cousins but make him marry a girl from laos who can't help him. He compared her to bring up a child. You have to teach them, home duties in the house is easy but outside world is hard when english is needed to be taught and finding a decent job to support the family. All of his cousins in state cant help much because most of them only finished highschool. His parents are always comparing him to those other cousins who have PHD and etc... but they were able to earn these degrees because their wives supported them and the family when they went to school. all their wives are from US and have degrees and goals... The dad just don't understand and is selfish. Don't know if I would ever want to marry in this family knowing the dad is this way. I am not building a future from this, its just that IF i do I don't know if I can accept... My parents always told me only marry into a family that you know the mom and dad will love and accept you.

 

[Vamkim]

kazz143 yea he's only 28 and he wants to be free from his parents but everytime he tries it's a mess. He has told his dad many times he does not want to be wid a grl from laos because it's too hard on him and wats the point of earning high degrees in life is one ends up marrying someone who can't help but bring more problm. He told his dad it's like raising a child and having to teach english then finding them jobs. From wat I see not only does his parents depend on him but all his family from both mom and dad side of the family. From educational things to life issue prblm they are always calling him. I mean thinking that every depends on him so much how would a wife from laos help him. Ima not saying I am better but I was raised from a well respected and cultured family why am I not good enuf? I am an average girl wid goals and a degree but that won't stop me from not loving and respecting my future in laws that is if I want to marry him.

Vamkim, yes forced marriage really sucks when its your life and your future. When I was still my boyfriend's friend I was joking with him that his dad is making him talk to the girl so he can cheat on his mom. joking that is... But like I said in my thread, i think the dad wants his son to marry the girl so he can mold her into the ideal kind of daughter in law because she is like a clean slate. Teaching her what is expected and etc... When one tries to teach a girl from the US is sorta hard because we have our own mindset on the future we want. I know my boyfriend would be really mad if I tell him I really want to give up. I dont want to marry into a family if the mom and dad does not love me because it will only make life harder and hard to please. Just like old saying... if you marry the son, you are not only marrying him but you are marrying the family too... All I can say is that if his life in the future is sad and hard it wont be my fault but his parents. I try my best to make him happy but I cant take him from them. He told his dad many times why force him get degrees in life to be as good as the other cousins but make him marry a girl from laos who can't help him. He compared her to bring up a child. You have to teach them, home duties in the house is easy but outside world is hard when english is needed to be taught and finding a decent job to support the family. All of his cousins in state cant help much because most of them only finished highschool. His parents are always comparing him to those other cousins who have PHD and etc... but they were able to earn these degrees because their wives supported them and the family when they went to school. all their wives are from US and have degrees and goals... The dad just don't understand and is selfish. Don't know if I would ever want to marry in this family knowing the dad is this way. I am not building a future from this, its just that IF i do I don't know if I can accept... My parents always told me only marry into a family that you know the mom and dad will love and accept you.

True, marrying a hmong man is not only marrying him but marrying into his whole family. It is better and life will be better if the parents are willing to accept you into their family with open arms.

 

[pangnerlicious]

wow.thats very mess up...its America..do watever u want.

 

[ampoo]

If the dad wants him to marry this girl in Laos so much, then the dad just do it. Sheesh so annoying. Why does the father want this girl so bad?

Just because she's from Laos doesn't mean she's a clean slate.

 

[YM_gurl]

Omg! Sounds like a movie. LOL

Anyways, if your boyfriend really does not like or want to marry that girl and really truly do love you, he will not go to Laos at any cost. He will fight his way out and not go. His dad can make the decision for him to go but he can decide. Decision is really on him, not his dad. By the way, no one is putting a gun to your boyfriend's head, he is also an grown man. He needs to man-up and not let anyone control his life. Marriage is not a game, it's a life time commitment.

On the other hand, it's stupid for his dad to used his illness against his own son. Very immature. It's not like if his son was to married the girl and he's going to get better magically. LOL

Honestly, you should not let your boyfriend go, in most cases. He's going there to married her, so if he decides to go no matter what. You have to talk to him and settle your relationship with him first before he takes off because you will get hurt if he does come back being married. Also, if he decides to go. He's doing it out of pity but again, don't forget. He has been talking to the girl. So whatever they have going on, no one knows. Good luck to you.

 

[caromaxline]

no offense to your bf's dad or mom, but why the f don't the dad just go marry her then. since old men these days are so into marrying young girls from laos.
but what i hate most are girls from laos.
i hate them to where i just urrgh. want to beat them up.
And to think i feel bad for them, i hate it when they got to take our dad or husbands and ruin the happy family life and get in it.

 

[ddawbb]

Well, if a 28 year old man can't speak for himself then he's not mature and definitely not ready for marriage.

Sometimes in issues like this you have to be selfish and think for yourself.
If he did as his father wanted and left, and after he comes back, would you still want him as your BF or husband? What if after you marry him, he does everything his daddy wants.. such as his dad saying: "tell your wife to do this, do that.." and if you don't do it, they'll keep telling their son, "Your wife isn't good, divorce her, we'll find you a new and younger wife from Laos/Thailand.."
They will brain wash him little by little, and you will end up being the loser.

You know what's in his heart? (1) Be nice to you and tell you to wait for him, promise that he won't do what his dad wants (2) Meet the other girl, have his fun and marry her if he wants (3a) Marry her (3b) Not marry her (4a) come home and not even apologize to you cuz he'll be someone else's husband (4b) come home and tell you that you're the one for him..

EVENTUALLY you will realize that you are just the backup plan, the plan B, so that he will still have a girl if the Laos girl doesn't work out.

Honestly, you're a fool listening to your BF tell you that he's been chatting up with some girl from Laos, even if his father forced him.
You need to find someone else who actually cares for you and your feelings.

Sometimes just "clicking" doesn't mean you have a future together.

Don't mind me souding siab phem, but it's the opinion you were asking for.

 

[ceda_lee]

Ok sista...I might sound a little harsh.

First of all, he's not only 28, HE'S 28!!! He's a man now and if he can't stand up for himself and fight for the both of you, then why are you holding onto him. Apparently, it's not worth to him. It's his life and if he chose to not control it, then that's his problem. We live in the 21st century. Whether he wants to or not, it's ultimately his choice.

And you, right now, you like him a lot not love, correct? If it were me, I'd try to distant myself as much as possible before like turns to love.

 

[ampoo]

Well, if a 28 year old man can't speak for himself then he's not mature and definitely not ready for marriage.

Sometimes in issues like this you have to be selfish and think for yourself.
If he did as his father wanted and left, and after he comes back, would you still want him as your BF or husband? What if after you marry him, he does everything his daddy wants.. such as his dad saying: "tell your wife to do this, do that.." and if you don't do it, they'll keep telling their son, "Your wife isn't good, divorce her, we'll find you a new and younger wife from Laos/Thailand.."
They will brain wash him little by little, and you will end up being the loser.

You know what's in his heart? (1) Be nice to you and tell you to wait for him, promise that he won't do what his dad wants (2) Meet the other girl, have his fun and marry her if he wants (3a) Marry her (3b) Not marry her (4a) come home and not even apologize to you cuz he'll be someone else's husband (4b) come home and tell you that you're the one for him..

EVENTUALLY you will realize that you are just the backup plan, the plan B, so that he will still have a girl if the Laos girl doesn't work out.

Honestly, you're a fool listening to your BF tell you that he's been chatting up with some girl from Laos, even if his father forced him.
You need to find someone else who actually cares for you and your feelings.

Sometimes just "clicking" doesn't mean you have a future together.

Don't mind me souding siab phem, but it's the opinion you were asking for.

OHMAN, I have to applaud you for this. Totally agreed. UGH They like brainwashing, seriously and soon he'll be mean to you.

 

[PeNgUIn*3o3]

Hey Sarnies,
Thanks for all the posts and comments... No worries I don't take all the harsh words to the heart. I am grateful for everyones words. Well at the moment we are still talking as usually and everyday he tells me to trust him. In every relationship there has to be trust or it wont work. I have enough trust in him, its just not his parents, especially the dad. He did confront his parents and asked, "Is it true I am going to Laos to get married..." They both replied that they are taking him to Laos as a gift for his master degree and to meet family because its been over 14 years since he been there. Ive been waiting to ask my aunt how is married into the family but I don't want her to think too much...
He's 28 and he should be able to stand up for himself, its just that when he talks to his parents it can get ugly. I am usually the one who has to drag him out and calm him down... I told him that if we dated I didnt like him to talk back to his parents; partially my fault...
Every night before I go to bed he always assures me... He said that he really doesnt want to go but since his parents said its a visit for his completion in a degree and to see his dad's sister in Laos he is willing to go. I hope everything he is telling me is the truth. I am counting the days until he leaves and when he comes back.
We got into a deep argument because I told him I was willing to let go and he threw a tantrum that I was just like his parents. He even cried which made me soft at heart and was willing to take him back to my side. I can't see a guy cry because it makes me cry. I am thinking of taking a long vacation after he returns back from Laos so we can have that silent. I don't want to be the first to know when he comes back.... Space is what I really need right now... sigh...

 

[nancyvang]

I probably know how the situation will turn out. If his parent (father) has his eyes on a nyab then he'll go through any dirty tricks to get it done. The risk of a men going to Lao is getting the girl pregnant and having that tied him down, or being forced to marry because of something he did, bring her home late or even the slightest hug? They'll say it makes them ashamed so the man have to take responsibility.

All the people that I know who went there came back filthy in one way or another. Even the closest person who I trusted since the day I was born, I always respected him and never thought he would do such thing. No matter how good a person is if they hang around the wrong group then they'll end up like their groupies. Let's just say this, A Hmong guy going to Lao is like a Hmong guy going to Las Vegas, no good can come out of it.

Good luck to you though.

 

[YM_gurl]

Sorry, not to be rude but if your boyfriend's parents really wanted to give their son an gift, they ought to have him married you instead of going to Laos. I have a feeling it's just an excuse, it will be a different story once he gets there. Hopefully the girl, don't catch him to be her husband. Lao Hmong girl's are pretty smart but again i can be wrong. He's your boyfriend, you know him best. Good luck to you and about guy's crying. Don't fall for it. haha I'm just saying. Good luck.

 

[yingerbug]

I overheard that my cousin is going to... I think he's suppose to meet up wid ur BF family in Laos. Rumors have it the my cousin is wanting to get married so he mite be dragging ur man everywhere... Hehe... Call me...

 

[toolate2]

Hey everyone!
I am upset I just don't know what to do. I have been dating my friend of 5 years only a few months ago because we sorta realize we "click" Anyways, he's going to Laos in a couple months and I have insecurities up the wah-zoo... meaning... A year ago his dad tried to make him talk to a girl from Laos and now the dad wants him to marry her. He only talks to her when the dad forces him to, other then that he has no interest in marrying one or even dating one. The only reason why he is going to Laos is to meet the girl and marry her. What am I suppose to do? Leave and pretend we have nothing or pray that he would speak up to his dad and say what's really in his heart.
I have come to realize that the dad uses his "stroke" to get his way; his mom disapproves of her only child marrying anyone from Laos because her brother is married to one and she does not love him. The mom does not want her only son to become like that and even told to my aunt that she rather have me marry him. The mom and son hides behind the stroke and does not want the dad to have another stroke problem. Honestly, I think the dad is being selfish.
I just found out that the dad bought plane tickets to Laos without him or his mom knowing it. Three tickets to Laos for Christmas and it was about 2000$ a piece. He told me last night he was mad that he had to go and what will he do with school. He will be missing 3 weeks and each term is 6 weeks long. Knowing that the dad is tricky like this who knows maybe the dad has a plan set up in Laos to marrying the girl, I don't know. I am being mean and hurtful knowing I am talking so badly about an elder here but I am too hurt. The dad knows that we are dating and yet he doesn't care. He is determined to get his son to marry the girl from Laos.
The funny thing is that ladies who are married into this family even told him that they do not see him marrying a girl from Laos because he's got to teach and adapt her to the life here. A son, 28 years old with a Master degree marrying a girl 17 year old from Laos... We can say that everyone from his 2 grandfathers side has said to his parents they do not want him to marry a girl from Laos because being the only son they will depend greatly; if he does marry a girl there he will have more than enough to kill him, and I quote that.
I don't mind him going to Laos and meeting the girl, but I do not want him to come back and tell me that he is married. I would be torn apart and I wouldn't know what to do. I think the dad wants him to marry the 17 year old girl so he can mold her into the ideal daughter-in-law. If his son marries a girl here in US, they have goals and a mindset of their own and I think the dad does not want that. His parents always pushes him and wants him to do everything they think is the best for him but he is tired. He feels that being home is tiring and coming to my place and relaxing with me is like heaven. So I don't nag nor push him. What do I do... I like him dearly and I don't want to tell him or nag him when his parents are doing that already. I just want him to speak his mind but he can't because know he will trigger his dad stress level and he doesnt want that either. When he goes off he will go off... He shares with me all his feeling and in doing this he won't take it out on his parents. I welcome all of his emotions and I help him but I duno what to do now... Help!

HATE TO BREAK THIS TO YOU, SISTER, BUT YOUR BOYFRIEND IS NOT A MAN. WOMAN UP IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY. LET ME QIVE YOU A QUICK PEEK OF A SIMILAR EXPERIENCE:

I ONCE DATED SOMEONE WHO'S PARENTS WEREN'T TOO FOND OF ME. HIS MOTHER OFTEN TALKED ABOUT PAIRING HIM WITH OTHERS WHO SHE THOUGHT WERE A BETTER MATCH FOR HIM (EDUCATION WISE). I WAS A JUNIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL WHILE HE WAS A FRESHMAN IN COLLEGE AT THE TIME. HIS PARENTS AND RELATIVES WERE PROUD OF HIM GIVEN THAT HE WAS THE FIRST WITHIN THE BLOODLINE TO ATTEND COLLEGE. THE FIRST TIME I MET HIS MOTHER WAS THE LAST. TRUST ME, I HAD IT BAD FOR THIS GUY AT THE TIME, BUT JUST THAT ONE ENCOUNTER WITH HIS MOTHER MADE ME REALIZE HOW MUCH BETTER I DESERVE THAN A FAMILY LIKE THAT. THOUGH HE NEVER FOLLOWED THROUGH WITH HIS MOTHER'S MATCH-MAKE PLANS, HE NEVER STOOD UP FOR ME EITHER. TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT, THE GIRL (ME) WHO HIS MOTHER ONCE THOUGHT WASN'T EDUCATIONALLY GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER SON FINISHED HER MASTERS DEGREE AT AGE 24 WHILE HER ONCE-SO-EDUCATED SON STILL HASN'T MADE ANYTHING OF HIMSELF. YEARS LATER, HE TRIED TO RE-CONNECT, AND TOLD ME HIS PARENTS ENCOURAGED HIM TO WORK THINGS OUT WITH ME AGAIN. ONLY IN THEIR DREAMS WOULD SUCH A THING HAPPEN.

WOMAN UP, SISTER..... LOVE IS NOT BLIND. HE'S EITHER PRETENDING HE'S BEING FORCED OR HE'S NOT MAN ENOUGH.

 

[PeNgUIn*3o3]

Thanks everyone for your honest opinion on my relationship. I really appreciate it! Well, we called it quits only after a few months. He had the last words in our relationship - he said that even though I may end it, its not over until he says its over. He questioned me why I have no faith and trust in him. I explained to him how I honestly felt and I directed him to this thread which he read and was shocked about everyone's responses. I told him everything and why I think he can't stand up for himself. He said I have changed since we started dating and this person is not the one he fell in love with. I was really hurt when he said that to me. Well, between me and him... its over on my side... Its been a really hurtful few days but I am pulling through. He is still calling me, texting me, and leaving me messages but I am trying really hard not to respond to them. It really hurts ending a long-term friendship along with a short-lived love like relationship.
Been listening to Maiv Huas Hawj's songs: Tsis Yog Wb Hmoov and Hlub Tso Cia. These are the only songs which makes me feel like I can let go. Any good sad songs you can offer would help me. Thanks again sarnies.

 

[yingerbug]

Ima sorry Pen-gie... I really thought you two would work it out... Well Ima going to Laos too... haha... Free trip to Laos as the "green lady" for my cousin's wedding... I will surely meet him while Ima there... Though I will be leaving for Laos on Thanksgiving and be back before Christmas... My cousin said your Ex and his family is going sometime in December. We all will be staying at your Ex daddy's sister's house... Ima big enuf I will drag him around and just make them Laos girls jealous for you... hehe... What's a big sis for, right... Pen-gie, if you want I go down there and I become friends with your Ex future-wifey and beat her down for you... just kidding dork... Well, Ima here for you aite, my love...

 

[nkaujhmoobyaj]

hey sister, this guy is not worth any of your sadness! he doesn't even try to understand why you changed and try to make you trust him. what did he ever do for you to trust him? he's going to thailand after all right? he's not even standing up to your guy's relationship..I thought he is an educated guy! you said he have his master's right? He should learn by now with his educational experiences that life is about prioritzing the important things in your life and surely, it didn't sound like your guys' relationship was not his top priority. forget guys like him because marriage is long and forever. you don't want to be hurt again and again. every woman deserves a man that will stand up to her needs and put her feelings before everybody elses. you deserve better. keep your head high and cheer up