hmoob nyab and MIL

[pookie264]

Sorry this is so loooooooonggg....and sorry if it doesn'nt make sense....
 
So I have been married to my husband for 5+ years. I am still having a hard time adjusting to his family. I am not a PERFECT nyab.I must say that all my times being married with my husband my MIL never really ask me to do much of anything (like cook, clean, etc.). She either just hates me or just doesn't like me at all. I must also say in the past their was a dispute between me and her son and she got in between us and I got a little aggressive with her. But that was wayyy back when I just married into their family and was just a kid and didn't know how it would affect my relationship with her till this day. But anyway, since that day she just acts like I am a total outsider. So me and my husband we all live together with my husband's older brother and wife and their kids. But since that day my MIL has "favored" and chosen to "love" my brother in law and SIL over me and my husband and our kids. I must add that ever since that day when I go into a dispute with her I have NEVER over my 5+ years gotten into any other kind of dispute with her. Yet she acts as though I am not her nyab, I am not part of the family. I know she spread rumor to everyone that kuv yog ib tug nyab siab phem (that I am a mean nyab).( I am not good with Hmong spelliing so please bare with me) Everything she ask my  SIL to do with her and whenever they do something they never inform me. And its weird-----since then, my SIL has felt the need to compete with me???
 
You know I was raised in a family where my mom and dad had separated and no one taught me how to cook or do this and that, so I never knew how to cook when I married my husband. Of course being that my SIL knows how to do all that my MIL favors her even more; my MIL and SIL they both muas muas plu (conceited) when they are together. But whatever I don't care. What I do care is that they RESPECT me as ib tug nyab and a  human being. Gosh, it seems as though they are waiting for me do a mistake and then they laugh at me. When I ask my MIL to teach me how to cook a dish this is what I always get from her ..."just put whatever you think is good in." and then to myself I'm like what the heck?? I am trying to make this dish for you to eat and I want to learn how to put the ingredients you like into it and you tell me to just put whatever I think is good in??...Ok so I do that, I put whatever I think is good in. After I'm done cooking, I set the table and everything and I call everyone to eat. Guess who doesn't have an appetite to eat?? Yup. My MIL. She will always make some excuse when it comes to my dishes. So I'm just to the point where I am like if you want to be like that than fine. I just won't cook at all because if she decides NOT to eat my food guess who else will follow her..my FIL..and then my food, my time and energy, just go to waste. Back then my FIL would eat what I cook; nowadays I guess my MIL say something to him and he don't eat it if she don't eat it. Makes me so sad and very frustrated...sometimes I just don't care anymore. I tired of trying to please her becuse that just won't never happen.
 
I don't talk much either and thats another part that I am trying to fix. I am not good at opening myself because I have become a very isolated person with other personal issues. I guess thats why alot of people look at me as "dub dub muag." But I am totally not. I've just become this way because I have personal issues (such as depression, etc).  I was raised more americanized and hmong language feels like second language to me. I don't really know how to talk in hmong and therefore have a hard time communicating with my MIL and FIL. So thats another reason why I don't open up to them or conversate with them much cause I can barely get a sentence through. Plus they always be using words like way back in the ole days that younger genertions like me don't even understand. **Soo annoyyed when they do that.
 
 
So Fast Foward to today, NOW, the present. You know that SIL I been telling you about. Well yeah, my MIL is learning that she is probably not what my MIL expected and now my MIL is kinda turning ways and starting to see that I am not so bad after all. So After all that I've been through with my MIL and how she treat me and stuff (and she still kind of treat me like that but less), I don't want to hold it as a grudge. Its hard because I've been through ALOT and have to deal with my own personal problems too.  So what can I do to build a better relationship with her? All I want is for her to be happy. Even though some days I just don't want to literally care about her just because she treat me and my husband so opposite of how she treat her loved ones. I cry so many nights but I know that I am true to myself and as long as I am who I am--doesn't matter what anyone says about me.
 
I have never been close to my own parents at all so this is really hard for me to do BTW. How do you guys have conservations with older people? What do you say? I've never even been close to my own grandma for sakes. No one in particular except my husband.
 
 
Thanks so much for reading this. I hope you guys are able give me some advice..
 
If you have nothing GOOD to say. Please don't waste your time POSTING it.
 
 
 
 

 

[roselovesice]

I am not a nyab, just to point that out. Haha. But I think the best way to approach this is to be the bigger person. I know it's hard to forgive certain people but when you do forgive people for the bad things they've done to you, you don't have to carry that burden with you anymore. I think that if your mother-in-law is starting to see that you're a better person, better than she had thought, show her that you are better. Talk to her, try to do things with her that she enjoys, and whatever MIL-SIL's do, just the good stuff. lol Just be humble and show her that you're better than what she thinks. May then will she realize that she's been a foolish person to downgrade you all this time (not saying that she's foolish). 

 

[yerry]

I totally understand what you mean when you say you aren't as social. I am not either and people take my quietness for arrogance. They comment to my relatives like how come I act like I think I am better than the rest of them. Well, I think it also has to do with the fact that I have a mean face when I don't smile but I just learned that you can't please everybody. 
 
I also don't understand why some people feel the need to compete with others in trivial areas. My nyab, who has been married to my brother for a year now, always try to compete with me in everything. Everything I do, she tries to do better and when she does, she shoves it in my face. I don't really want to cause drama and try to distance myself from her in respect for my brother. I need to keep the peace!
 
Sometimes it is tiring when someone, especially someone who is a mother to your significant other (and by marriage- mother), doesn't see the goodness that you do. They always try to find fault with you and I honestly can't tell you if she will accept you fully but what I will say is just keep doing you. As long as you are happy and your husband is happy, you don't need their approval. Sometimes forgiving someone can help add closure to some hurt you had to endure. I know, easier said than done. But forgiveness is the first step if you want your relationship with your mother in law to progress to something more meaningful.
 
As for having conversations with older Hmong people, I am like you. I am not as fluent as I would like to be so I just mix in some English words. I also try to make it funny so they will laugh at my attempt. It's a start to having a conversation with them. Maybe when you see them at social gatherings, you could ask them if they need help with anything, like if they are washing veggies, help them and listen in on their conversations. Some of the older Hmong ladies have the funniest convos ever! (Sometimes, they talk about dirty things that you sometimes understand a little because you don't know certain Hmong words). Hehehe. 
 
Well best of luck to you my fellow Hmong sister and keep on being your awesome self!

 

[yaksoh]

everyone has their flaw
but just stay open-minded
try to communicate even if it seems useless
it's the best way, but to make it work u need ur hubby's help n support too
as a DIL, it's not too progessful unless he's their by ur side
i wish u best luck w/ ur ILs'
it's my true advise to u from experience n seeing others similar to u
 
just so u know don't judge ur MIL too harsh cuz someday u'll be just like her
i never believe it until my mother did it to my SIL
first my grandma to my parents then my mother to my brother n his wife
surprising how this cycle is endless in every generation n culture

 

[Glaze]

I guess being a daughterinlaw some of us are all in the same boat. I also have a hard time communicating with my inlaws too bc I'm the same as you, I'm a very quiet person and don't talk much. Like you my mil talk trash about me all the time and it's all just makeup stories and untrue. Sometimes when she ask me a yes or no question, I answer very low or sometimes I just dont felt like talking atm, I just nodded my head bc Im very quiet and she take that as I'm annoy by her and that I hate her. I've heard my mil told lies about me all the time to people and I told my husband that eventhough I'm hurt I will forgive his mom. But once I thought I'm over her accusation and lies, she makeup another lie and accuse me of stuff it never happen again. I felt like I can never have a piece of mind and felt relieve for once that she did not makeup false stuff about me. Like I cook all the time for her but she always tells people that I never cook and let her starve all the time and that she always eat plain rice with water bc I wont cook for her. I will be honest that when I first came live with her I do cook and clean everyday but now Im working so I cant cook everyday although I do still cook on my days off. Unlike her daughter, shes in college about 4 hours away and now its summer vacation, she came home and not once did she cook a meal for us to eat, but my mil never said a thing. So I was like her daughter is 18 years old but doesnt cook and clean, why wont she teach her daughter to know how to help out around the house and atleast cook a meal too. When I was only 11 years old I have already start learning to cook, and her daughter is 18 and doesnt even know how to cook, thats what my husband told me when I ask my husband why dont I see his sister help cook at all. My mil also accuse me of sending money to my mom all the time and that i never give her any money. That is really not true bc eversince I married my husband I have never give money to my mom. Just this one time my siblings did shaman to my mom and I was far away from them I cant do anything to help them so my husband we contribute $100 to help kill the cow. And my mil got mad and start saying shit about me to her sister (my husband aunt) that I work and I never give any money to her but I always send money to my mom time after time when my mom dont even care about me and my baby. So I heard her saying that over the phone and I got very sad and I told my husband about it. Bc eversince I married my husband, this was only the time I sent money to my family bc it was for shaman only not for personal shoppping. And my mom cares about me and my baby more than her, bc when I had my baby, my mom even buys her own plane ticket and fly over to see me and my baby and also took care of me and my baby while my mil does nothing. My mom buys new clothes and gives money to my newborn while my mil gives nothing to my baby. For my mil, I must have spend hundreds or thousand on her already but she always kept saying that I never buy her things, I never give her money and etc. So i was really hurt and I cry so much, good thing my husband catch her lies and confronted her. Ofcourse like always she denies but my husband said he heard it all. I've talk to my husband about moving out but ofcourse its going to be hard bc my mil is our only babysitter, if we move out forsure shes not going to help babysit anymore. I have nyab too and ofcourse I complains about my nyab too, but bc it was only true, unlike my mil, my mom had never once complain about my sil, my sil shes the type of dil who stay only in her room, she dont cook or clean, and my mom never complains but just live with it bc she know she have me and my sister to take care of everything. Plus people said since we're the nyab we just need to put up with the shit our mil gives us and stop complaining about our mil, but really how can you do it when all day everyday your mil tries to make you look bad infront of everyone? No one likes to be accuse of something they did not do or said.