dating other races or ethnicity

Discussion in 'Hmong' started by Mistspyed, May 6, 2011.

  1. Mistspyed

    Mistspyed sarNie Egg

    I want to know your guys opinion about dating people from other ethnicity or races and how does your parents feel about them. Personally, I preferred to date people out of my ethnicity, but my did would disown me if I ever marry anybody outside of my own ethnicity. He also said it brings shame to the family. So, sad :sad: therefore, I decided I'm not ever going to ever marry.
  2. mmm0403

    mmm0403 sarNie Juvenile

    I would mind dating other Asian guys--but not Caucasian, African American, or Mexican guys for me.
    My dad doesn't care as long as he is a good person.
    My mom has a huge issue problem. I know for sure she doesn't like my brothers to date and marry Caucasian women.

    As for me, I used to want to marry other ethnicity but changed my mind now. I don't want my husband to be left out of place or me being out of place in his family gathering.

    There is someone related to us remarried to a white man. Whenever there is ua noj, I always see her husband being alone helping out chopping the meat or washing something while the Hmong guys are sitting around talking. I feel sorry for this dude. He has no one to talk to or no one goes talk to him except his wife. So, I decided to just stick with Hmong guys. I guess i just don't want my husband to be left all alone like that. Decide to stick with a Hmong man so he can communicate with family members and they can communicate with him too.
  3. Mistspyed

    Mistspyed sarNie Egg

    That's so sad mmm0403. I don't ever want anyone to be excluded like that, especially my significant other. Why must we act like this toward other culture? We're just all human, I don't get it.
  4. mmm0403

    mmm0403 sarNie Juvenile

    The problem is he doesn't speak Hmong and the elders don't speak English and the kids who can Speak English are still kids. There's no way to communicate with each other. That's why I decided to stick with Hmong guys for now. I don't want my husband to be left out alone. I guess that's why many Hmong parents want their daughters to marry Hmong men only, so that they can communicate with their daughters' husbands and the husbands can communicate with the elders.
  5. pbv

    pbv sarNie Juvenile

    I wouldn't say I'd never consider dating outside the hmong community but I have a very strong inclination not to. My dad and my cousin was having this conversation this one day and he kind of explained it in a way that really made me understand where the older generation is coming from when they say not to date outside of Hmong people.

    He told my cousin that its not that marrying an american man or other race is not good, he even thinks that some of them might treat women better but the fact is that in the Hmong community we don't have very much, all we have is our family and our connections. When you marry someone, you're marrying their whole family and extended families, you're bringing two big families together and giving your family more people to rely on and to help support. If you marry outside of hmong people, you may not get that because they will not understand. They won't understand the need to do shaman ceremonies many times a year, and even if they do come and are willing to, their family likely will not. you'll be gaining one new family member as opposed to many. Your family will be gaining a son in law as opposed to a new clan.

    Also as a hmong woman you're expected to follow the spiritual house and religion of the man you marry. If you're shaman right now and you marry an american man who isn't, you will no longer be afforded the protection you had your entire life. Some of you younger girls may not care about this because you probably don't follow shamanism or are not as traditional but I come from a traditional family and I know that if I don't marry a shaman, I'd feel lost and unprotected.

    I also have a fear that we're losing our basic culture. I'm afraid that marrying other races is contributing to this. Its not the only reason believe me but its a factor that marrying and reproducing kids that you don't raise fully hmong is slowly driving out the essence of what is the Hmong culture. In a few decades, Hmong will not be what it is today or once was.

    Of course even with all of this, you can't help who you fall in love with, you can only make the best of it.
  6. Mistspyed

    Mistspyed sarNie Egg

    True I agree with you Pbv, but what if you found a family and a husband that understand, appreciate and accept your culture? Of course I'll never marry someone who can't accept my culture. But even though him and his family are accepting, there is still that language barrier. I have never found a quality in hmong guys that make me attract to them, other than looks. I guess I can't find it because it has to do with the culture you're in and the way you're grew up. A lot of hmong guys doesn't respect their woman and that is the biggest turnoff for me. They expect so much support from their woman but they doesn't show their woman any respect and treat them like trash. At the same time, I'm not saying that it can't happen in other races/ethnicity but i see it more in the Hmong culture (like 90% of the time). I want an educated Hmong guy but I know that he'll be too conceited and look down on me. I understand that marriage is a life long thing. I don't want to marry somebody who's from the same culture as me, just so they can connect well with my family, I want to have a good relationship with him. I know there's a lot to consider: love and family. If i marry someone just for love then I know that I'm too selfish because I don't think of my family and don't think of the burden I'm about bring to my significant other (like the fact that he may not be accepted, no one will talk to him during shaman ceremony). I know very well that it'll be too hard for them. Then again I don't want to marry someone simply just because he's from the same culture as me. If I marry someone it has to be for my family and love, which I think will be impossible. As depressing as it is, we all know that love cannot stand alone, sometimes just having love isn't enough, it's so much more than that. The same goes for family. Thus I find it impossible find someone, which is really a tragedy.
  7. cecilia

    cecilia Staff Member

    ^it's a shame we can't find any good decent Hmong guys out there ..

    anyway, i see that there are many pros/cons in an interracial relationship - one just have to make their own sacrifices when one think one made the right decision ..
    i can't say i wont' marry or date any one out of my race but if a man honestly love me for who i am and treat me the way i would treat him then -- marriage should have no boundary.
    selfish or not -- i think i deserve happiness in a relationship -- why force yourself to marry someone just for saving face. ( seeing how ppl around you doing this and end up suffering in old age -- what's the point)

    I understand -- keeping tradition is good but if you raise your children up learning both ways of thinking -- things would be okay (freedom of religious. Once the children are all grown up, they can pick/choose) --
    I also think keeping tradition in a family depend on good parenting skills too. If you teach your children well, there are better chance they'll be a better person in the future - even if you are married to a Hmong man, if you don't practice your religion -- things will fade so really, we can't blame on distinction when we don't make time to teach our children.

    and HONESTLY -- i do not want a DICTATORSHIP relationship (i see so many of those in the Hmong community even these days -- it sadden me. I don't' want to see myself going through the same problem as my mom, sibling, cousin, relatives - not saying all Hmong relationship are like this but the one I witness and cried over it -- i hate it!) Not saying that by marrying other race, you wont' run into this but at least you have the right to get out of a relationship in fair & square judgement.
  8. pbv

    pbv sarNie Juvenile

    I'm not saying you should look at things from my point of view, it was only my opinion. Our situations are different. I think what's best is for you to not look to love with a certain mold and perspective in mind. You know, don't try to meet men who are only outside of the Hmong culture because that is what you like, try to meet all sorts of men because otherwise you'll be generalizing them and that's not a reliable predictor of what the future holds. You sound young, date and have fun. Don't date just one type of guy. Remember that not all Hmong men are bad just like not all men in general are bad. Just because he has a degree doesn't mean he'll look down on you. If you see your own self worth so will he. My boyfriend and I are in the same field but he has one degree higher than me and he makes me proud, not afraid that I'm below him. I do want to get a masters and be on his level sometimes but its more of competition than a insecurity thing.

    As far as the communication issue goes, if you do end up with a man who can't communicate with your family, you just have to adjust like everything in life. If he's the one and he's willing to make things work, you will find a common ground. If he truly cares for your family and his part in it then he'll learn the basic words and do what he can. But the Hmong culture takes time to adjust to. Make sure you guys are on the same page early in the relationship because I don't think its a good idea to surprise him later with our ceremonies and expectations. What I said above about gaining a son-in-law, I forgot to mention a part my dad said about how a Hmong parent wants a son in law that will be able to help them, you know, wake up early to go to the slaughter house, pick up the shaman, help the men. If your parents have similar expectations, make sure to relay this to him. Your parents will be able to adjust quicker if they realize he is more than willing to embrace our culture and be the son in law they expected in a hmong man.

    I don't know, I don't have an overwhelming need to defend Hmong men because I know a lot Hmong men who are what you said but I also know a few decent ones that are not. Don't let a good man pass you by simply because he's Hmong.
  9. Mistspyed

    Mistspyed sarNie Egg

    Thanks for your advice Pbv, I will try my best to keep my mind open as possible. I've meet nice Hmong guys but they always turn out to be fake. I hate fake/superficial personality/things in my life. Sometimes I hate that I have such a bad view of them, but I just cant help it. I'm usually a very broad person and always try to look at everything in different perspective, but I dont know why I'm so narrow here. Anyway, I hope that I will meet at least one Hmong guy that will change the way I think about them.
  10. yajvaj

    yajvaj sarNie Adult

    To answer your question and from my experience when I first started dating my boyfriend 3 years ago I was afraid to let my family know that I am dating someone outside my race. But eventually they found out a month later. To my surprise my siblings was supportive and till this day they still are. My mom wasn't ok with it she only wants me to marry a Hmong guy because all my sisters are married to Hmong, but when we have family gatherings I invite my boyfriend, he's been coming and my family is getting used to seeing him, my mom is starting to be ok with our relationship. My family young and old communicates with him, one of my aunt speaks basic english and she communicates with him when he's over. My siblings all communicates with him and make him feel comfortable. When I am at his family gatherings his family is also really nice, makes me feel comfortable. His siblings don't speak much english but we still communicate. His family from the beginning is ok with our relationship its just my mom who isn't ok with it. But follow your heart, date/marry someone who loves you for who you are not just because he/she is Hmong. What I mostly hear from my mom when she wants me to break up with my boyfriend is he will someday cheat on me, he wont love me till the end because he is not Hmong. But that is not true. Everyone is different.
    It's kind of hard being in a interracial relationship because of the language barriers, and culture differences but at the end it all comes down to being in love. If you really like someone that but he/she is not Hmong don't stop there go for it. Your family will learn to love them, it takes time but you will get there. It's been 3 years since my boyfriend and I started dating we've gone through all issues, my mom is slowly accepting him and our relationship is still going strong. :)
  11. angelxtasy

    angelxtasy sarNie Hatchling

    In My Own Opinion. I don't believe there is anything wrong with dating outside
    your race, for any ethnicity. When it comes to Marriage however, is when
    things get a bit difficult. But this, i also believe is entirely up to
    you and your significant other. And Both your families work out on your Relationship.

    Hmongs in General [ Fact-proven already ] Marriages with other Races Never Last
    till Old, where you both bury each other. And in Hmong to Hmong marriages No matter,
    what happens to YOU & your marriage. When anything should happen to you. You will have to go back
    to your family for burial, or your husband has to bury you. But when your married to an
    outside race... when they die do you bury them? what if they died before you and you after...
    Who burys you? is it gonna be his family? i don't know.. That being spoken is sad and not wanted to be talked of.
    But it's actually the Reality of Truth that Old g's doesn't want to say to there kids about.
    Thats why they say " best is stay in your race " but no ones perfect, everyone makes mistakes, and
    everyone just want there own happiness.

    No Matter what... hey! its your life, your happiness, and your ending.
    You have the rights to choose whatever You like, and suits you better. good luck!
  12. population1

    population1 sarNie Egg

    Preferably, the mixing with other Asian ethnicity should be a strong one. Why? It greater enhances the gene pool. Then, there comes the absorbing of other Asian, ethnic cultures which is always an enrichment because it builds more strength in terms of ties, bonds, alliance, relationship, etc. leading to INNOVATION.
  13. Mommy

    Mommy sarNie Egg

    I think you guys are just too picky. There are good decent Hmong guys out there but you never give them a chance. This goes to Hmong and non-Hmong people.
  14. candi

    candi sarNie Juvenile

    As long as you guys have a good understanding of your and his culture and be able to adapt to it, it should be no problem. My friend used to date this white guy and the white guy is actually more Hmong than her. He wears the red strings and helps her parents with the shaman rituals. He asked her parents for her hand in marriage and was willing to pay for the bride price too...but she cheated on him and left him.

    Do what your heart tells you, but take your brain with you too. Hehehe. =)
  15. BaBeeLaiLai

    BaBeeLaiLai BaBeeLaiLai

    I'm not hmong, but I'm married to a Hmong guy. At first his parents weren't accepting of me, but now they have learned to accept the fact that were in love and were gonna be together so they have no choice. I understand that family and tradition is very important to some less to others, but I don't think that one should limit themselves because of it.

    Anyways my husband's bestfriend is white and he is by far more hmong then my husband is lol. He dates hmong girls, tries to speak hmong all the time, joins an all hmong basketball team, and a hmong cultural group in college and eats and loves hmong food. He's practically hmong at heart. Though he doesn't speak Hmong you can tell that he really tries to blend in and be apart of the hmong community even with the elders. Like your story his hmong girlfriend ended up cheating on him with a Mexican guy and they broke up, but I tell ya this guy is HMONG. lol
  16. population1

    population1 sarNie Egg

    maybe your bf's parents actually have a choice afterall, which is LOVE.

    as for your bf's bf, there is what you call the rear. all in all, the bf of your bf may have to adapt to. though I don't believe he is hmong at heart, maybe, he has a strong interest, maybe, even a passion. like I used to have a passion about white girls in my younger years, when I was just a mere adolescent, ofcourse. then I started to get intimate with other Asian girls of different ethnicities, and they are so much more in tune. it's like music playing; like an art; like science where the utlimate equation is refined; above all, absolute, imho, otherwise. like Einstein and Buddha... like nature really at work!!!
  17. Bieluvr

    Bieluvr XiaojuXiyou

    Dude, if you marry someone that they can get along with your family or your relatives then they ua lais nhrau lawm, i hate that because i always hear my mom and dad argue about this because my dad always go ua laib with his friends and its soannoying. but seriously, i don't really care what race it is, because love is not something you can help. but all my elders hate me to marry other races, but i'm like, i don't care because i'm never gonna get married, unless it's with Bie. Haha.
  18. D~D

    D~D sarNie Adult

    AnnTfan likes this.
  19. chongsong

    chongsong sarNie Egg

    I have no probably marrying outside my race. You can't dictate who you love or will love, no matter the color or sexually orientation. Even if it is just a blonde white guy wannabe thug with green eyes.
  20. I love the idea of dating outside your race. How fun! My parents are loving and understanding. Love is love!

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